Dennis Wilbert Milktoast, an unemployed middle-aged loser, broke the world’s record today for failed suicide attempts. The inconspicuous, socially inept wallflower had had enough of life. He'd had enough of this cold cruel world. So he decided to end it all. Again.

He tied a perfectly good noose. He used a perfectly good stool. He found a perfectly good ceiling rafter. But when Dennis Wilbert Milktoast jumped, he used too long of a rope, and broke both of his knees. And he lived.

But he was catapulted to fame, because now Dennis Milktoast has been immortalized in the record books. 

His failed hanging was only the latest in a string of spectacularly failed suicide attempts. Dennis got his start last year when he slit both of his wrists one dreary night. But he sliced horizontal instead of vertical. And he lived. Now he just has some unpleasant scars. His next valiant attempt was the hairdryer-in-the-bathtub trick. But five seconds in, it blew a fuse. The bathroom (and the whole street) was cast into darkness. And he lived.

Despondent, Dennis bought a gun. He aimed it at his head, and fired. But he missed. Now he has two holes, one in each cheek. But Dennis wasn't about to throw in the towel. He swallowed insecticide, mercury and sleeping pills. And lived. He drove his car at 90mph into a brick wall. And lived. He threw himself under a steamroller. And lived. Frustrated, Dennis climbed Mount Everest in a beach thong. And lived. He went to North Korea and flipped the bird at Kim Jong Un. And lived. He jumped into shark infested waters, smeared with cow blood. And lived.

Finally, a scarred, burned, bullet-ridden, flattened, frostbitten, one-legged Dennis gave it one last try; with his home-made gallows. And once again he failed. And lived.

"I guess it's just not my strong suit," admitted the world champion of failed suicide attempts. "I think I'll give up on giving up."

  Anti News ©2020 Chris Hume