The president blew up the world today. At exactly 12:11 pm GST, everything we ever have known vaporized into a colossal cataclysmic fireball. Earth exploded into trillions of gobbets of molten slag, and all life was instantly extinguished as the planet disintegrated into a cloud of gas, rocks and corpses that dissipated across the solar system.

With Earth gone, the president easily secured his reelection.

“We stand behind our president,” said voter Wilfred Honk’s severed hand as it pinwheeled through the void of outer space.

“We opened up a can of whoop-ass on those towel-heads!” said JoeBub Huffman’s scorched loop of intestine as it whirled into the planetary debris field.

And Howard Duggle’s charred jawbone flapped enthusiastically, “Best president ever. He gets things done!”

In fact, the president is polling higher than ever among white male evangelical body parts; however, his popularity slipped among the pulverized remains of educated women, minorities and LGBTQ people.

The president tweeted (IN ALL CAPS) that blowing up the world was a show of strength, American supremacy and firepower. “Make no mistake,” he bellowed, “America will never be humiliated by its enemies. They wanted to blow up the Earth first, but we beat them to it.”

“USA! USA! USA!” shouted the president to a rally full of skin flaps, scalps, knucklebones and rectums. The president plans to use Space Force to gather up all the American pieces of Earth and stick them back together into a new planet that is America only.

“Planet America won’t be some round, faggy-shaped planet,” said smoldering ribcage Jeb Gawkins. “It will be AMERICA-SHAPED”.