Desmond Slothburg just won himself a seat in the House of Representatives, and now he gets awesome socialized health care for life. In fact, that was his campaign promise.

“If elected, I promise that I will get awesome socialized health care for life!” he shouted to a crowd of cheering supporters. Now he’s on his way to Washington, and Congressman-elect Slothburg can enjoy the fruits of his labor: all his medical bills will be paid mostly by you- the taxpayer - for decades to come – from Viagra, to a sprained golfing wrist, to rectal cancer and beyond.

Voters could barely contain their enthusiasm for Mr. Slothburg:

“He’s so handsome, with that slicked-back hair. He deserves awesome socialized health care,” said Brenda Braintree.

“I like the comforting timbre of his deep, authoritative voice,” said Jolene Blimpman. “No matter what he says, I trust him.”

“He says he prays a lot,” said Glib Gargleton, “That’s all I need to know.”

“The American flag-pin on his suit,” said Cletus Elwell, “it was bigger than his opponent’s flag-pin.”

Slothburg's opponent, Stacy Wellworth, was soundly beaten at the polls, despite her articulate and logical solution for bringing universal health care to everyone in the country. Voters found her “untrustworthy” and “evil”.

“She’s a witch who cooks and eats babies, obviously,” proclaimed Kyle Gork.
“I’d rather die of sepsis than have communist medi-scare," bellowed Hink Flush.
“She’s a woman!” declared anti woman-woman DebJo McBubble.

And so, Rep. Desmond Slothburg (R), moved into his sweet office, smoked weed and played video games for two years, while his constituents proudly died like flies, bankrupt.

Two years later, Mr. Slothburg resigned from Congress. “My work is done. I’ve fulfilled my pledge to the people. And now I can retire.” The 27 year-old ex-Congressman moved back into his mother’s basement, where he can grow old for free. “Free rent, free food, free health coverage. God, I love this country!”

So what are you waiting for? Get awesome socialized health-care for life today! It’s only one election away.

 See The Proposed 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution