Hell is full. For the first time in recorded history, the cavernous realm of the damned has run out of space.

Thousands of douchebags, asshats and shitbirds were held up at the Gates of Hell on Sunday morning when the all-full announcement was sounded. “Sorry, we’re all out of fiery pits for your eternal suffering,” explained a door-demon. “We appreciate your patience, and we’ll get back to you when the situation changes.”

Hell had already been operating at 300% capacity since the early 1980’s. “We ran out of space a while ago,” chuckled Satan, “but we figured we could keep shoving condemned souls in there like sardines for another 40 years which, frankly, made it even more hellish.”

But last week, Hell reached critical mass. The damned were crammed so tightly, you couldn’t shove a flaming-hot poker in between them. Sinners were stacked like firewood. And Satan stopped admitting new customers.

“For thousands of years, we’ve had a manageable but steady inflow of villains, sociopaths, mouthbreathers and bubblebrains,” explained Jared Snootch, Minister of Eternal Pain. “But in the last four years there’s been a violent uptick in cellar-Nazis, dick-sniffers, bigots, bastards, fuckbuckets, nitwits and idiot-worshippers. We ran out of storage space and had to put Hell on hold.”

Hell is now looking to outsource its overflow of scumballs, butt-puppets and fuck sticks. “We need to stick them somewhere until we dynamite some new subterranean caverns,” said Hell’s expansion czar Sloth Razorback. Among the proposed temporary storage locations: casinos, cruise ships, Burger Kings, gas station bathrooms, Ted Nugent concerts, and coal mines.

But for now, it’s hurry up and wait. At the Gates of Hell, the line of criminally wretched turd gobblers now stretches for miles. “We apologize for the delay,” cackled Satan from a loudspeaker, “Just hang in there, for a few more minutes, or maybe a day, or a couple of weeks, or years, or forever.”