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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:

PRESIDENT RUNS OUT OF STUFF TO BLAME

 

 
 


After months of concerted effort, the president finally ran out of stuff to blame. “The president has exhausted every possible option in his heroic fight to protect his image from the pandemic that is ravaging America,” explained Secretary of Blame Stacy Bubblepop.

The first assault on the president’s reputation was China. “China!” bellowed the president.  “China unleashed this terrible virus to hurt the stock market!” But the vast, tentacled conspiracy to take down the president reached far deeper than China. “Democrats!” he howled from his podium. “Dems are slaughtering Americans to drag down my poll numbers.”

The president aimed his rage on the media next. “Thirty thousand dead? Fake news!” tweeted the president from his Twitter toilet. “I don’t see any corpses,” he claimed, looking around his 1000 square foot bathroom. “If you can’t see them, they don’t exist. Any genius knows that!”

But as the country surged into first place in deaths and unemployment, the
president turned his blamethrower at the doctors and scientists. “Disgraceful big-brained factaholics are using ‘statistics’ to make me look bad!” he whined. “America First! USA! USA! USA!”

One by one, the blame dominoes fell: Mexicans. Women. Obama. The World Health Organization. The Deep State. G5 cell phone towers. Chemtrails. Bats. Gluten-free bread. Kale. Books. Museums. Libraries. Solar panels. Kittens. Hybrid cars.

Faced with a shrinking blame reservoir, the president turned against his advisors. Then his cabinet. Then his base. Then his family. “I’ve run out of stuff to blame!” he screamed to his vice president, before firing him.

Isolated and fuming, the president caught his reflection in the mirror. “You look like crap!” he hollered at himself. Then he blamed the mirror.

  Anti News ¬©2020 Chris Hume¬†