Death. Experts have been warning us about the hazards of death for ages. There’s no cure. There’s no guarantee of an afterlife. It’s scary, and it makes people sad. But most of all, it’s really, really, REALLY, expensive.

“Death is a total rip-off,” said bankrupt corpse Miles Hathaway. “Avoid it at all costs.”

Over the last 30 years, the cost of death has overtaken the cost of living. From burial fees to plot purchase to headstone and casket design, to the mountains of paperwork; it just makes living look cheap. “Stay alive,” explained penniless cadaver Stan Wimple, “and you’ll save a bundle of cash.”

Ever since Congress repealed the A.D.A. (The Affordable Death Act) last year, the cost of dying has skyrocketed. The living are now paying for the dead by re-mortgaging their homes and selling their kidneys and other body parts. On the bright side, cemetery real estate has gone through the roof. “Maybe we’ll flip our burial plots and make a fortune,” said a decomposing husband and wife.

A hundred years ago, families buried their own. Granny was rolled into a box and laid to rest beside the turnips. Grieving was affordable. Then the act of burying a loved one morphed into the colossal Funeral Industrial Complex.

“Marble headstones (starting at only $25,000) will guarantee entry into Heaven,” said funeral director Slick Richman to a bereaved family. “And for less than $37,500, your dead relative can have a plot with an ocean view.”

Airtight caskets start at $12,000. Proper body pickling starts at $16,000. Funeral procession permits start at $1500 per mile. And don’t forget the catering for the afterlife party, starting at $375 per plate.

“Americans will be so busy emptying their pocketbooks they won’t have time to mourn!” chuckled Secretary of Death Kevin Crippen.

“Maybe I’ll just have myself cremated and scattered into the wind,” said financially strapped Stacy Harding. Sorry Stacy, cremation fees and upcharges total to $7599.99, not including tax and fee-fees.

Got a problem with that? Don’t die.

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  ©2020 Anti News, Chris Hume