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BREAKING ANTI-NEWS:
GALACTAPALOOZA!

(WHICH CIVILIZATION WILL SURVIVE?)

 

 
 


Every million years or so, the intelligent civilizations of the galaxy face off in an epic match for survival. Several dozen planetary societies start off as apes, swinging from trees and gathering nuts and berries. They advance through one technological hoop after another, facing ever-increasing odds of self-destruction. Most will collapse in a puddle of stupidity. But hopefully, one lucky civilization will make it across the finish line. The winner will be crowned Galactapalooza Champion, and will hold the title for the next million years. 

The flag is up, and the race is on! Civilization #1 invents agriculture, with Civilizations #3 and #7 just behind it with the discovery of fire. Civilization #5 invents weapons, getting caught up in the thrill of bloodshed and power. Civilization #12 invents money, cities and highways. Civilizations 2, 3, 5, 7, 9, 11 and 13 all invent religion at the same time. Civilization #5 jumps into the lead with politics and gunpowder. And in the rear, Civilization #8 is calmly harnessing energy from its star and practicing meditation and compassion towards animals. 

Meanwhile, Civilizations #5 and #2 are neck and neck as they invent bombs and lawyers. And coming round the bend it’s Civilization #4 with international banking and slavery. Civilization #3 elects a psychopath who sets fire to the oceans and ohhh! It’s out of the race! Civilization #8 is still at the back of the pack, with universal health care and clean wind power. But it’s a real barn-burner on the final stretch. Civilization #5 nukes itself in a flash, and it’s gone! Civilization #4 gets into a worldwide argument and pop! It nukes itself, too. Civilization #6 overpopulates and suffocates on its own fart gas. Civilizations #1 and #9 also nuke themselves. Civilization #2 dies from poisoned pork. Civilizations #7, 10, 11, 12, and 13 drown in their own garbage and Civilization #14 denies climate change and slowly cooks itself to death. 

And finally in last place, Civilization #8 comes loping across the finish line, the only remaining player in the game. The audience goes wild as Civilization #8 wins the race and is crowned Galactapalooza Champion. 

When asked how it beat out all the others, Civilization #8 modestly shrugged its shoulders and said, “Sun, wind, kindness, good food and good music. What else do you need?” 

 

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