Homo Erectus. Cro-Magnon. Neanderthal. Homo Sapiens. Over the ages, mankind has evolved and survived, adapting to nature’s challenges to become stronger and smarter, eventually becoming the dominant species of the planet.

But with no more obstacles or predators, the human race has forgotten how to protect itself and stay alive. Furthermore, Homo Sapiens has rejected intelligence, condemning it as “soft” and “weak.” As a result, Homo Sapiens has mutated into its chest-thumping, disease-spreading follow-up: Homo Destructus.*

Give them fire, and they will torch themselves. Give them water, and they will drown themselves. Give them all-you-can-eat ribs ‘n wings, and they will stuff themselves until they burst like overripe watermelons.

“Their survival instinct has gone extinct,” explained dead-end expert Terence Bubb. "They’ve traded cunning for confidence, and swapped strategy for swagger.” Experts predict Homo Destructus will fail its way to the top of the food chain by Christmas.

Last week, a deadly swarm of meat-eating wasps darkened America’s cities. The government ordered everyone to shelter in place or be devoured alive. “Safety is for sissies!” howled Homo Destructus Derrick Dimbulb. He and millions of others packed themselves into a giant quivering cube of naked patriotic flesh, where they proudly died in the name of freedom.

“Give them the blueprint to saving the world (and themselves), and they’ll beat your ass into the sidewalk,” said Secretary of Doom Hank Shufflebolt.

So is Homo Destructus the final chapter of mankind? “There is hope,” explained hope expert Matilda Gray. “Homo Destructus is wired to defy any government order and do the exact opposite.”

So, this week the government ordered Homo Destructus to breed faster, pollute more, and kill everything around them.

They defied the order, and promptly vanished.