BREAKING ANTI-NEWS:
AUNT JEMIMA & UNCLE BEN ARE FREE AT LAST!

(But We Still Have a Long Way To Go)

 

 
 


In a bold step towards racial justice, Aunt Jemima was emancipated from the maple syrup bottle. “After 131 years of indentured servitude to the 'man', I’m free at last!” declared a jubilant Jemima.

Jemima slaved as the unpaid spokeswoman of maple syrup since 1889. “I wore that big old fake grin for so long my jaw locked up!”

Jemima is enjoying her long-awaited life as a free woman. “I want to para-glide over the Golden Gate Bridge, and hike Machu Picchu before my 145th birthday.” Jemima also plans to open up a bed and breakfast in New Hampshire.

And this week, Uncle Ben is finally enjoying his first taste of freedom. The unpaid black face of white rice is officially off the box and opening up a can of whoop-ass. “I’m done serving rice to make the 'man' rich. And I am not your uncle!”

But we still have a long way to go.

Ben and Jemima have set up an underground railroad to rescue black people still trapped on supermarket-shelf plantations. Efforts to liberate Mrs. Butterworth and the Cream of Wheat Chef are under way. “It will be a dangerous mission,” declared a stoic Jemima, sporting fatigues and a beret. “Colonel Sanders and Orville Redenbacher are ready and waiting with their whips. But we won’t let up until every last black person is free!”

Now that Jemima and Ben are free, who will replace these former slaves of American food packaging? Sadly, there are still some African Americans willing to bow and scrape to the man. “Oooh! Oooh! Choose me!” squealed Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Thomas quickly shed his judicial robes, and put on lipstick and a maid’s outfit to become the next Aunt Jemima. He also moonlights on the white rice box as Clarence “Uncle” Thomas.

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