The president unveiled a massive new self-stimulus package today. The self-bailout includes $6 trillion, in the form of 6 billion one–thousand-dollar checks, each one bearing his presidential signature, and mailed directly to himself.

“This will get my economy roaring back,” boasted the president, “and if not, at least I can stimulate myself while the country capsizes.” This is one of the president’s favorite pastimes late at night while sitting in the White House toilet stall.

Public support for the president skyrocketed on reports of the colossal self-stimulation. Unemployed super-fan Timbob Flufflebuff  was ecstatic. “I’ve got no job, no money, no car, no future, and a really nasty mucus-filled cough,” he bragged, “But nothing turns me on more than watching my president stimulate himself.”

However, some citizens are less than euphoric. “America’s in a catastrophic tailspin,” said concerned citizen Robin Hadley. “The president needs to stimulate the economy, not himself.”

But the White House doubled down on self-stimulus. “There’s nothing wrong with the president stimulating himself on national TV in front of millions of children,” said White House magician Chad Daterape, “The Bible gives him full executive power to stimulate himself whenever he pleases.”

In addition, the president is mailing 300 million letters to himself celebrating the amazing accomplishment of his self-stimulus package. The letter will offer adoring words of congratulations expounding on his tremendous and legendary leadership. Each letter also bears the presidential signature.

“Wow, I’ve got more fan-mail than God!” gloated the president to himself. He plans to read every single one of the identical letters starting tonight, in his private toilet stall.

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  ©2020 Anti News, Chris Hume