As of midnight Tuesday, cancel culture was officially cancelled. Naysayers were naysayed. Censors were censured. Haters were halted. Poop-talkers were pooped out. And disparagers were disposed of.

“The time has come to cancel cancel culture,” said cancel counselor Clarence Clancy, “before we cancel ourselves out of existence.”

Culture is being cancelled from both sides of the spectrum. On the left, “Gone With The Wind” is blowing away, and Dr. Seuss is in critical condition. On the right, it’s the craven cancellation of empathy, democracy and gravity.”

Experts predict that if cancel culture continues uncancelled, humanity will be reduced to an empty jar of mayonnaise, some moldy bacon, and several expired mustard packets by 2050.

“Eventually the entire universe will be cancelled into a black hole, and then the black hole will cancel itself,” warned Dr. Willard Woke, “so wake up and accept the hot mess. It’s better than a cold vacuum.”

But cancelling cancel culture is just another act of cancellation. There is now a growing movement to cancel the cancelling of cancel culture. “It’s my God-given right to cancel other people’s God-given rights!” bellowed Buford Honk, chairman of the Cancel Culture Club. (1980’s pop star Boy George of Culture Club denies any and all involvement.)

Will society survive the constant crave to cancel? Tune in next week for another episode of Anti News for the exciting conclusion. Unless it’s cancelled.