Do you get offended a lot? Do you kind of enjoy it, perhaps a little too much? Somewhere deep down inside, do you secretly “get off” on being offended? You’re not alone.

With so many offensive acts being shown repeatedly in the news, being offended has become an addiction.

“Being offended is all the rage now,” explained offensive doctor Karen Dewey. “The more offended you are, the cooler you are. The sexier you are. And the more easily you can spread it to others.”

It can start with an inappropriate smirk in the grocery line. Or a subtle stink-eye at a red light. The offendaholic will perceive it as a total affront to their soul, and it can snowball into a viral offendapalooza. In the most extreme cases, it comes full circle, and the most offended person becomes the most offensive.

But what is the source of all things offensive?

When you’re offended by racism, sexism, or some other offensive “ism”, the brain is flooded with offendium, a chemical that induces righteous indignation and hyper-sensitivity to all the injustices of the world.

Perpetual exposure to offensive material will lead to a state of “eufurya”, a combination of euphoria and fury. “It's a comfort zone, a happy place of offendedness,” explained angerologist Winston Flabbergast. “it's a perpetual ecstatic rage.”

“Oh, Yes!” cried offendaholic Paul Weeber as he scrolled through dozens of offending news headlines, “Don’t stop! Please! More!” Offend-porn is one of today's leading addictions.

But is there a cure?

“I hope to offend everyone at once,” said professional offender Jimbob Hootleburg, “every race, gender, age, height, religion, handicap and tax bracket. I’m leaving no one out. By offending all, I’m offending none.”

Anti News ©2021 Chris Hume 


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