It’s been the next big thing for the last ten years. It’s going to replace the dollar, the euro, the pound, the peso, the hamburger, the hot dog, the burrito and the tuna melt by 2030. And if you’re not looking over your shoulder, it’s going to replace you. 

Welcome to craptocurrency. The shadowy crappy world where you can become a millionaire overnight, and be drinking out of the gutter by next morning. “I was the richest man in the universe for about ten minutes,” said crapto-trader Ted Whimple, “But just as I was about to cash out, my crapto-billions evaporated. Now I live in a cardboard box under the freeway.” 

ShitCoin, the world’s most popular craptocurrency, has rocketed to new heights and new lows in the last five seconds. In 2013, it started out as a cereal box prize. The small brown plastic disk was good for propping up uneven table legs and making ugly necklaces. Now, one ShitCoin is worth over $575 million (give or take a few million). 

FartGassium, another fabulous craptocurrency, has been making countless cellar dwellers into bling-festooned sultans. “I moved from my mom’s basement into a marble palace packed with wives,” bragged crapto-trillionaire Slick Whiskerburg. Slick has become a fauxlanthropist, giving hundreds of dollars away to shell companies like “Save the Children and Stuff, ” and “Grow More Trees Yo”. 

Other craptocurrencies include Adnauseum, Scro-Buck, BoogerDollar, PhatStax and ButtCoin. 

But what’s the trick to getting crapto-rich? “Gaming thumbs,” explained Online Gaming Champ and Crapto King Kevin Klansky. “Fast thumbs while trading crapto can make or break your fortune. One millisecond, crapto’s up, one millisecond later, crapto’s in the crapper.” Kevin’s thumbs can dead-lift 200 pounds. 

So what are you waiting for? Get in on the crapto-craze, and get rich! And where is the best place to safely and securely store your piles of crapto? In the fart-gas cloud, of course.


Anti News ©2021 Chris Hume 


Venmo: @chume65
Zelle: gooutlaughing@gmail.com