Last week, Blaine Stanley, a neurosurgeon, dropped a patient's brain on the floor while texting his girlfriend in the middle of surgery. Flummoxed, he then slipped on the brain, falling and bruising his shoulder.
This is only the latest in a string of horrible accidents related to texting on the job. As the danger mounts, and the death toll grows, the nagging question remains: should texting be banned while performing neurosurgery and other dangerous high pressure jobs? The public is divided.
"This is an affront to our God given rights as texters!" shouted Floyd Bagley of Texters Rights International Partnership (T.R.I.P.) "If I'm going to walk into a telephone pole, crack my skull against a brick wall, or trip and fall into a shark tank while texting, that's my right!"
Then three days ago, Howard Pilldale, a Titan dump truck driver, accidentally ran over a small West Virginia town while texting his buddy about the sausage pizza he ate for lunch. By the time he had hit 'send', the 270 year old hamlet lay in splinters beneath his massive tire treads.
"This is madness!" said Mary Wrighting, anti texting activist. Take your eyes off the road, or off your scalpel for an instant, and you're dead. It's a no brainer."
But brian surgery patients aren't just losing their brains. Eric Harding went in for a routine dental check up Thursday, and ended up with a nose job and a butt full of botox, because the receptionist mixed up his schedule in the surgery book while texting her girlfriend about her hairdo.
On Saturday, Carnival Cruise Lines Captain Whip Wedmore was texting his therapist, when he crashed his ocean liner headlong into a sewage treatment plant, whose operator happened to be texting his proctologist... who accidentally gave his patient a second asshole while texting his astrologist.
"At this rate, texting will become the number one cause of death in America by 2015", said researcher Calvin Tomkins. "If we don't ban it now, then when?"
But the pro-texting lobby is pushing for maximum texting during dangerous jobs. John Horkster of The World Alliance of Texters (T.W.A.T) texted his official statement: "It's a slippery slope. First they ban texting during brain surgery. Next thing you know, commercial jet pilots can't text, then it's welders, crane operators, jugglers, snipers... where will it stop? America will be forced to use their mouths again!
Mr. Horkster is currently suing his doctor for a boob job he never asked for.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume