Greetings esteemed customer. It has come to our attention that you somehow paid off all your debts, and you now have a perfect credit rating. We can't have that. What's the matter with you?

Is there anything we can do to help you re-establish and improve your debt experience?

Perhaps the 39.75% interest rate was a little high. Or the lien on your home made you void your bladder. Or that "debtor" tattoo on your forehead stressed you out. Don't worry. Our new improved penalties are so lenient, you'll want us to own you.

Starting today we are offering the reduced "2 finger" late-rate. If you fail to make your minimum monthly payment, we only chop off 2 fingers instead of 3. You'll still be able to hold a fork and brush your teeth. Plus, you also get to keep both ears for the first six months of non-payment. And we're not sewing up any of your orifices for a full year. So get out there and shop hard!

What? You still want to pay off your credit card? What's wrong with you?

Look. You can't just walk around debt-free. It's unpatriotic, and it sets a bad example for the 150 million Americans who belong to us. They might throw off their shackles and flee the plantation. So please. Damage your credit rating, for the cause. It's a matter of life and debt.

What are you waiting for? Relax and enjoy hassle-free punishments: Easier-to-swallow interest rates. Fewer visits from the body-part repo-man. Fewer burning tires around your neck. And better debtor-prison-food. All we ask is that you remain in a comfortably familiar catastrophic credit crater. Until debt do us part.