Seven golf courses. Nine Steakhouses. Countless pools and spas. And all of it set in the beautiful year-round sun of the California desert. But no one can figure out why the terrific new retirement community of Colostomy Bag City has failed.
"We've tried everything", said Colostomy Bag Marketing Chief Joe Bagglesdale. "We provide every possible creature comfort for the affluent retired American. And yet no one wants to live here."
Empty luxury condos sit along Bedpan Alley, waiting for happy retirees to move in. Upscale boutiques line Denture Drive. The magnificent salt water pool and spa, set among groves of tropical flowers, are devoid of swimmers. "Frankly, we are stunned", said developer Jack Chapley. "Goiter Gulch offers some of the finest poolside amenities in the wholrd."
"I'd rather live in a trailer park", said cranky octogenarian Walter Kleeb. "These dimbulb developers have no idea how to market their product. I mean, who the hell would ever want to golf at Dementia Dunes?"
The menu at COMA, the 5 star Steakhouse in downtown Colostomy Bag City, offers a variety of delicacies. "Tonight's special is the Tracheotomy, a choice cut of prime rib the size of a brick", said excited server Adam Higgins. "And if you still have room, be sure to order our decadent dessert, the Hernia." Health conscious oldsters can dine at "The Broken Hip", a raw vegan eatery at the corner of Liver Spot Lane and Incontinence Avenue. No reservations needed, as there are just no customers.
And so the multi billion dollar retirement community is filing for bankruptcy. Experts are scratching their heads at the Colossal Colostomy Fail. "We figured reality would sell. But no one came to the party", said a forlorn Joe Bagglesdale. "Maybe we're just ahead of our time." Bagglesdale's next venture, FatFuckMobiles, or cars designed for overweight people, is due to fail next fall.
Other (real) unfortunately named products and companies:
Spotted Dick - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spotted_dick
Barf Detergent - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barf_(soap)
Pee Cola - http://dizzyfrinks.com/drink/pee-cola
Ayds Diet Candy - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayds
McDonald's McWrap (sounds like McCrap) Oops!
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume