Harold Gobstock of Lubbock Texas, 350 pound man, has achieved a new milestone in the record books of high altitude mountaineering. Last week, the rotund lover of chocolate covered pretzels and daytime television, made it to the top of Earth's highest mountain, along with his overstuffed couch, video game console, plasma TV and mini-fridge.
"I reached the summit it all by myself", said an exuberant Gobstock. "Well, except for the twenty Nepalese muscle men, and round-the-clock support staff including my life coach, barbecue chef, masseuse and medical doctor. And of course, Mocha, my Pug.
Harold Gobstock has been training almost a year for the big climb. "There are so many awesome shows on Everest, and I've been watching them all." Gobstock has been boning up on his National Geographic Channel as well as the Learning Channel and Discovery. "I must have eaten two tubs of caramel popcorn last night while learning about stuff like altitude sickness and icefalls."
Indeed the public desire to summit Everest has become a sort of super fad. In 1953, Sir Edmond Hillary reached the top of the world's highest peak, and achieved legendary status. Last year, over 500 people made the climb, along with their overpriced gear and support crews. Reservations now have to be made months in advance for Everest. The price tag for a single climbing permit is now $25,000.
"I'm fully prepared", said Gobstock, as he slurped back his 64 ounce Mountain Dew. "I've got this new computer game app "EXTREME EVEREST". I can climb the mountain in full rez 3D-HD on my iPhone from my couch. I'm up to base camp where I've digitally traded a first aid kit for 3 bags of trail mix and an oxygen tank. It's so real, I almost missed the actual summit when my sherpas carried me to the top."
Gobstock paid extra to have his 'man cave' carried along with him up Everest's icy slopes. His pinball machine and salt water aquarium were almost lost in a crevasse near the 'death zone' at 22,000 feet.
"This isn't mountaineering. It's a goddamn circus!" , said 7 time Everest climber Chad Oglethorpe. "Might as well install a chairlift!"
Gobstock posed for a picture atop the 'roof of the world' for his Facebook page. He extended his feet off the couch onto the leather ottoman, and let out a celebratory belch. Mocha the Pug peed on his heated dog pillow. And finally the caravan made its descent: couch, TV, aquarium, water bed, bong, Xbox console and all... A reality TV crew captured the whole spectacle, to be aired on the History Channel.
Next month, Harold Gobstock plans to dogsled across the Antarctic in mid winter. "I'll be South Pole Pumped - Once I install surround sound and a pork smoker for my man cave!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume |
