Are you unpopular? Are you plagued by an embarrassing scandal? Or does your reputation just plain suck? Worry no more! A new technique has been developed to boost your approval rating, and get back that all those friends you've lost. In a matter of days, you can be loved and adored again, and it's all just one bullet away.
The team at Positronics unveiled the new "Assassinate Yourself®" program last week, and already, hundreds of customers have reported boosts in happiness and popularity. "It's quite simple", explained Positronics president Kevin Kloggins. "For ten thousand dollars, a well trained sniper will track you and shoot you. We will then do a press release, and the tragic news of your attempted assassination will go public. Within five days, we guarantee an outpouring of sympathy from friends and enemies alike, and your approval rating will rise at least 12 points.... or your money back!"
"Assassinate Yourself® has changed my life!", said disgraced alcoholic City Councilman Howard Orkins. "I was embezzling from the city treasury, got caught cheating on my wife, then I crashed my Escalade into a Starbucks, drunk off my ass. My life was in the toilet. So I hired an assassin to shoot me in the leg with a high caliber rifle. Sure, it hurt a lot, and I'm still in the hospital in a full body cast, but look at all these flowers and cards. It's as if I weren't a fucking asshole anymore!"
Assassinate Yourself® is one of the best self-injury-for-hire firms in the country. "All of our sharpshooters are former Special Ops and Navy Seals", said Kevin Kloggins. "Our 'no frills' package is one bullet, with no guarantee as to which body part will get shot. If you want to survive, that'll cost extra. Leg shots, ass shots, and ear grazings require more precision, and are more expensive.
In fact, the 'attempted assassination' tactic has a proven history of success. Ronald Reagan's approval rating shot up 35 points when he was shot in the chest in 1981. Numerous world leaders, drug lords and rap artists have turned their careers around, increased their fortunes and found happiness with the help of a well placed gunshot. And now you can enjoy this privilege as well.
"This is my fourth time!" said Doug Chongle, deadbeat dad, wife beater and coke head. "Every time I fuck up, I sign up for another hit! Plus I've got the repeat-customer punch card. My fifth assassination attempt is free!"
No more standing around, all depressed, waiting for some random bullet to strike you. "Assassinate Yourself®" offers quick relief for a bad public image. Side effects may include massive hemorrhaging, organ failure, paralysis, impotence, and death. Refer a friend and get half off your next assassination attempt.
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume