God, Lord of All Creation, was ousted in a recall vote earlier this week, because of his increasingly liberal views. According to the Bible, God is a force to be reckoned with; a domineering omnipotent strongman, who demands absolute loyalty from his subjects in exchange for conditional love.

But according to experts (who have regular daily contact with God) the Almighty has gotten "soft". "I've had an a-ha! moment", said the Most Powerful Entity in the Cosmos. "The world is evolving, and frankly, so am I. Sure, I'm the top cop, master of the universe, whatever... but come on! I don't see any need to cast homosexuals into the eternal pit of hell. Let people be. We also have a devastated environment to take care of. And there are just too many rich people, hoarding all their wealth while everyone else struggles. And women - let them decide their own reproductive destiny."

God's comments infuriated his followers. "This is an abomination!", declared Cardinal Guido Malarkey of Vatican City. "God's committing blasphemy, for Christ's sake! It says right here in the Bible: He shall judge with righteous vengeance and furious anger. All shall fear Him. And none shall question Him". The Cardinal slammed his bible shut. "This weiner got bonked on the head or something."

And so, the High Priesthood accused God of treason and started an aggressive campaign to recall Him. Hundreds of candidates threw their hats into the ring, including Steve Bannon, Ted Cruz, Kanye West, The Clown from "It" and a raw five-pound ribeye steak.

Recent polls showed a razor-thin 51% margin in God's favor. But God was confident He would remain in power. "I'm God, for God's sake. I've got free will. And by the way, your Second Amendment isn't a God-given right. I never endorsed that!" This gaffe only served to enrage his followers even more. "GOD HATES GUNS!" is the latest viral talking point and neck tattoo. Congress even removed "One Nation Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. God's campaign released a series of pro-God ads. The latest TV spot shows a carefree, confident God running along a beach with his dog, accompanied by rousing orchestral music. A commanding "voice of God" narrator reads: "He's the one you can trust. He's got the experience, and He will answer your prayers. Vote God."

But in the end, God lost. The Master of All Creation was easily ousted and replaced with someone who really "understands the Bible". The billionaire candidates all canceled each other out, leaving the five-pound ribeye steak as the winner. The moldering opalescent slab of meat was sworn in as God's replacement yesterday. "Who cares if it smells bad and attracts flies?" said an excited Cardinal Guido Malarkey, "As long as the meat adheres to Scripture and frightens everyone into submission, I'll sleep well at night. Amen."

Anti News ©2021 Chris Hume


Venmo: @chume65
Zelle: gooutlaughing@gmail.com