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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 63:

GOD OUSTED IN RECALL VOTE

 

 
 


God, Lord of All Creation, was ousted in a recall vote earlier this week, because of his increasingly liberal views. According to the Bible, God is a force to be reckoned with: a domineering omnipotent strongman, who demands absolute loyalty from his subjects, in exchange for conditional love.

But according to experts (who have regular daily contact with God) the Almighty has gotten "soft". "I've had an a-ha! moment", said the Most Powerful Entity in the Cosmos. "The world is evolving, and frankly, so am I. Sure I'm the top cop, the big shit, master of the universe... but let's lighten up." God explained further: "I don't see any more need to cast homosexuals into the eternal pit of hell. Let people be. We also have a troubled environment to take care of. And there are just too many rich people, hoarding all their wealth while everyone else struggles. And women - let them think for themselves."

God's comments infuriated the Vatican. "This is an abomination!", declared Cardinal Guido Malarkey. "God's committing blasphemy for Christ's sake! It says right here in the Bible: He shall judge with righteous vengeance and furious anger. All shall fear Him. And none shall question Him". The Cardinal slammed the book shut. "Now that's a real God! This guy got bonked on the head or something."

And so the High Priesthood accused God of treason, and started an aggressive campaign to recall Him. Hundreds of candidates threw their hats into the ring, including Tim Tebow, Herman Cain, Justin Bieber, Sarah Palin, and The Rock. But God was unfazed. "Look, I created all of you. You can't just fire me."

Recent polls showed a razor thin 51% margin in God's favor. But public anger is growing. "No God of mine is gonna let homos walk around free!" said an angry Hooper McCluggins of Swampton Florida. "And what's this hogwash about women making up their minds and killing babies? I say throw the bastard out!"

But God was confident he would remain in power. "I'm God. I've got free will. I just want a world where everybody can get along. And by the way, your Second Amendment isn't a God given right. I never endorsed that!" This gaffe only served to enrage his believers even more. "GOD HATES GUNS!" blared the New York Post. Religious leaders are even lobbying to remove "One Nation Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance. The NRA poured millions into attack ads calling God a 'weakling liberal milquetoast', and a 'very real threat to America'. The recall effort gained steam despite a series of pro-God ads. The latest TV spot shows a happy God running along a beach with his dog, accompanied by inspiring orchestral music. A commanding 'voice of God' narrator reads: "He's the one you can trust. He's got the experience, and He will answer your prayers. Vote God."

But in the end, God lost. The Master of All Creation was easily ousted, with nearly 70% of voters choosing to "throw out God", and replace Him with someone who really 'understands the Bible'. The big money contenders all cancelled each other out, leaving 55 year old deadbeat dad Bubbah Sandwich as the winner. Despite his long rap sheet, Bubbah Sandwich was sworn in as God's replacement yesterday. "Who cares if he forged checks and beat his wife?" said an excited Cardinal Guido Malarkey, "As long as Bubbah Sandwich adheres to Scripture, and frightens everyone into submission, I'll sleep well at night. Amen."

In honor of the 2 Colorado State Senators who were ousted in a recall vote this week becuase they supported a safe common sense gun law.

Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume

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