As the 2016 Presidential election approaches, the big question looms: which Republican is best equipped to win back the White House? Unfortunately, GOP officials are faced with a dubious lineup of bozos, douchebags and numbskulls. In light of this formidable challenge, party leaders have decided to pull out all the stops to bring forth the ultimate über-candidate. Last month, at a secret Orange County lab, former President Ronald Reagan was unfrozen, and brought back to life.
Engineers flipped the switch, while a blazing blue arc of electricity shot across the lab and into Reagan's frozen corpse. The room filled with an ominous crackling noise and a sulphurous odor. The fingers and toes began to twitch. The shriveled arms and legs began to convulse, and finally, the eyes popped open. "The Gipper is Risen!" shouted thousands of jubilant Republicans in a mass celebration in front of Resurrection Laboratories. Hysterical screams of "All Hail the Gipper!" could be heard at rallies across America.
The Reagan Resurrection, as it is now called, has put real fear into the Democrats. "We thought we had it all sewn up for 2016" said a nervous Democratic pollster. "All this guy has to do now is grin and and we're fucked."
After several weeks of resurrection therapy, The Great Communicator was rolled onto stage for his big re-coming out party. He was propped up at the podium and given a mild electric shock. His eyes unglazed, and he leaned into the microphone. Upon uttering the words "Where am I? What am I doing here?", Reagan's poll numbers surged, making him the GOP front runner, and beating Hillary Clinton by a whopping 37 points. "I smell a landslide!" said an exuberant Sarah Palin about the recently thawed Gipper. "And he still has that All- American mop of slippery black hair!"
But Reagan's rock star status was short lived. Historians have unearthed a nasty pile of dirt on the former president. In 1981, after being shot in the chest, Ronald Reagan championed a bill that would strengthen gun control, making it more difficult for psychopaths to acquire firearms. The other GOP candidates pounced on this, releasing attack ads accusing Reagan of being "Un-American" and "an Enemy to Gun Lovers Everywhere". The former president issued a press statement, saying "I don't recall."
Reagan is now in a dead heat with Donald Trump. Joe the Plumber and the guy from Duck Dynasty have pulled into the lead. His campaign was damaged further with other dark leaks from his past. "Reagan granted amnesty to illegal aliens in 1986! Reagan opposed a ban on homosexual teachers in public schools! Reagan raised taxes! Reagan didn't nuke Russia!" Haunted by his moderate past, Ronald Reagan was forced to drop out of the GOP presidential race. "I guess I'll just go back into the freezer" declared a humbled Gipper.
But just as America's Greatest President was about to disappear into a deep freeze for another hundred years, he craned his head out of the casket and uttered these words: "Trees cause pollution! And ketchup is a vegetable!"* Throngs of Republicans cheered his words of wisdom. Then the lid slammed shut, Reagan went into a permanent ice-coma, and won the presidency.
||* Yes he actually said this.
Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume
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