Sylvia JankIns has night sweats, panic attacks, and dry mouth. She curls up in the fetal position in public and sobs. "I feel this indescribable terror", she says from beneath her desk at work. "Someone is going to steal my iPhone and flush it down the toilet while setting me on fire. It hasn't happened yet, but it's coming!"

Sylvia Jankins suffers from "Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder". Unlike the better known "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder", in which real events affect one's future behavior, Pre-Traumatic patients suffer from events that 'may happen' sometime in the future. Or not at all.

Bruce Hebbel has been tormented for several weeks now. Even though he had a happy childhood, enjoys a stable marriage, and has never been mugged, stabbed or even bullied in high school, Bruce has constant nightmares. "The bees are coming! An ocean of bees! President Obama is going to release an ocean of bees upon my house, killing my entire family!" Bruce even has the exact time and date for this upcoming trauma: two weeks and thirty minutes from now.

Over thirteen million Americans have Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and that number is constantly growing. Welda Whimpton of Arkadelphia, Arkansas suffers from uncontrollable flatulence and swollen ankles. "They're going to break down our doors, and take away our guns!" The phantom future trauma has turned her into a Pre-Traumatic basket case.

And what is the cause of this terrifying new epidemic? "Look around you", says epidemiologist Scranton Boggs. "Everywhere you look, headlines are trumpeting end times! American Default! Nuclear Cataclysm! Muslim Healthcare! Miley Cyrus Pregnant, Again!!"

As the collective fear continues to build, more and more Americans are hiding under their couches, zipping up their hoodies, locking themselves in their closets, and losing control of their bowels. And yet... nothing has actually happened.

Howard Wibble broke out in hives Friday. "What if I go to Starbucks, and they are out of cranberry-spinach loaf?" Janice McFlam stopped brushing her teeth a month ago. "In seven billion years, the earth is going to be swallowed by a black hole!" Mark Holmes boarded up his house, because he's hearing voices: "The Democrats are coming for my heart and liver!" At this rate, civilization could pre-traumatize itself to death.

Is there a cure for Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder? "Yes there is!", exclaimed a cheerful Dr. Hugo Munsterburg. "Millions of dollars in research has given us a cure to Pre-T.S.D. And it's marvelously simple: Throw your television set at your computer. Aim well. Put your iPhone in a blender. Set it to 'liquefy'. Back over your iPad with a cement truck. Twice. Then sit back, enjoy the sunset, smoke a doobie, and have a nice big slice of Blackberry pie."

If practiced three times a week, Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder can be easily cleared up like a bad rash. Caution: ingesting Fox News can cause serious relapse.


Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume

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