First there was the Coke machine. Then the snack machine. Then the self serve frozen yogurt machine. Now, you can stand your ground with a swipe of a debit card. The latest word in do-it-yourself law and order has arrived. Gun vending machines are popping up on street corners, schools, mini malls and coffee shops all over America.
With the removal of the last gun regulation laws this year, the weapons industry has exploded into uncharted territory. Consumers now have a dizzying choice of 2nd amendment goodies at their fingertips with the proliferation of firearms vending machines. Feel the need for safety? Want to spread a little justice? Push some quarters into the slot, and out drops that Saturday Night Special. For a few dollars more, instant AK-47! There's no irritating background check or silly waiting period.
"Finally we are free from the liberal obstructionist nightmare", says NRA spokesman Cletus McNabb. "Easy access will make America safer and stronger." The shoot-o-matic ® firearm dispenser looks like any candy bar machine, with a clear plastic display window and those metal spirals that release the gun like a bag of potato chips, once the money is inserted.
And the public is going "hog wild" for the shoot-o-matic ®. The Tech 9 will be the hottest stocking stuffer this Christmas. And cartons of ammunition now come in specially marked boxes of Froot Loops and Lucky Charms, so the young ones are getting an extra "bang out of breakfast".
But some parents are concerned. "These machines are everywhere, and they're setting a dangerous precedent", said mother Kathy Windle. "My 12 year old son Brandon has seven handguns and a sniper rifle. And now he's saving up for a 12 gauge."
Want to win the jackpot? Vegas is even getting in on the weapons frenzy. Some casinos have modified their slot machines, switching their "jackpots" from silver dollars to bullets. Tourist and avid slot player Doris Nagle was ecstatic when she pulled the lever on the jumbo slot at Cesar's. "I heard the joyous jangling of one thousand hollow point bullets spilling into my lap. Now I'm set for life!"