In the last few years, 'Black Friday' has marked the official kickoff of the Holiday shopping season. But Black Friday has also become known as a 24 hour free-for-all, where customers turn into zombies, attacking each other in a greed induced frenzy, so they can acquire non essential items at rock bottom prices.
Now, there's finally a solution to all this violence. Don't get trampled or body slammed this coming Black Friday. Sign up now for Black Friday BootCamp®, and learn to defend yourself as you stampede your way towards that 90% markdown across the store.
"The other shoppers - they're the enemy. So muscle up!" said Ted McHaggis, former Chicago Bears linebacker, and founder of Black Friday BootCamp®. "Black Friday is combat shopping. So I offer the amateur shopper a playbook of attack strategies. When you join up, you're nothing but a soft, plump bucket of goo. But when you graduate, you'll be a weaponized shopping machine."
"Last year I broke three ribs and lost an earlobe", said 43 year old grandma Lisa Horkin. "This year, I'm taking no prisoners! That Hello Kitty iPad cozy is mine!"
At Black Friday BootCamp®, the only rule is there are no rules. "Hesitate and you're dead!", said Black Friday BootCamp Sergeant Hank Gaffey. "Find that opening, and savage your way to the front of the pack."
One of the most effective Black Friday techniques is the 'Cannonball'. Simply climb onto the shoulders of the rioter in front of you. Then jump forward, pulling your knees into your chest, landing full force onto the crowd. "This is best done with steel toed boots", said Black Friday expert Stan Smackworth. "Being obese helps a lot too."
Other suggested tactics are the 'swan dive', the 'barrel roll', the 'roundhouse' and the 'handful of marbles'. "I tossed like a hundred of them out in front of me", said extreme combat shopper Daryl Bruce. "People went down like bowling pins. And I nabbed that Xbox!"
Just go to www.blackfridaybootcamp.com, to enlist at a bootcamp near you. Classes start at $7500. You'll riot, stomp, bite, and head-butt your way to the top, or your money back, guaranteed! "I'm finally got me a 72 inch Hi-Def 3D TV!" exclaimed bootcamp champ Vinnie Hambone. "I just gotta scrape the blood and hair off of it in time for game night!"
Black Friday Bootcamp also trains shoppers in the use of pepper spray, bicycle chains, and crampons. "We encourage our cadets to improvise" said founder Ted McHaggis. "The pillowcase full of batteries, or the sock full of quarters. Whatever it takes to celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ! Got a problem with that? Shop online!"
Anti News ©2013 Chris Hume
DON'T GET TRAMPLED TO DEATH THIS BLACK FRIDAY.
SHOP ONLINE HERE AT
CHRIS HUME'S ANIMATION STORE