March 12, 2124: In a shocking powerhouse move, Coca Cola has bought the rights to its bankrupt rival, water. Coca Cola stock surged with the announcement of the historic takeover, the largest of its kind in history. Water, the former "King of Beverages" (and sustainer of all life), fell into disarray after nearly two hundred years of gross mismanagement and overuse. "We completely screwed up." said Gary Schmoss, currrent CEO of Water. Schmoss was indicted on charges of fraud, embezzlement and environmental 'mischief' last year when he dumped seventy trillion gallons of Mountain Dew over Niagara Falls, driving up the price of water to nearly $350 per sip.
Worldwide supplies of drinkable water have dwindled to a dozen exclusive reservoirs, guarded fiercely by private security militias. The rare beverage is now enjoyed only by the hyper-rich. Last week, a bottle of Water sold on eBay for eighty thousand dollars. Billionaire porn star Calvin Zippersnout guzzled it on his reality TV show, to an audience of nearly 3 billion. "It tasted awesome", giggled Zippersnout. "At least I can share the experience with my fans, while they watch."
For the rest of the miserable population, it's Coke, or death. The sugary brown gassy liquid has become the stuff of life for the unwashed masses.
"I flush my toilet with Coke" said housewife Wilma Dandyweather. "I also wash my dishes with Coke, and bathe my children in Coke. That's what comes out of the faucet, what else am I going to do?" The slogan "Coke: The New Water" has adorned billboards and SuperBowl Ads for over a century.
Coke has also replaced water in the war on terror. The government's latest form of torture, "Cokeboarding", has infuriated peace activists. Prisoners have Coke poured up their noses during interrogation, to simulate drowning. "Sure, it's unpleasant," said Secretary of Torture Harley Brownstain. "But it's cold and refreshing. Terrorists love it!"
But H20 has a nostalgic place in people's hearts. "My grandparents remember water. I've even seen pictures of it." said water historian Stanley Bucket. "The Coke Ocean is a terrific frosty beverage experience, but you can't even see the fish" said disappointed scuba diver Linda Maxwell.
Now, Coca Cola envisions a re-branding of the extinct drink. "Heck, we own the fucking stuff " said Coke President Channing Bubblesmith. Next year, Coca Cola plans to roll out its "Classic Water®" in a bottle. It will fill Lake Superior with Classic Water®, put an electric fence around it, and sell the drink for $18 a bottle. "We're re-introducing Water® to a generation who has never even tasted it."
"I'll be the first in line!" said 92 year old Thelma Witherspoon of Cincinnati. The great grandmother was so overjoyed at the news, she cried tears of Coke.
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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