In a bid to fend off the threat of a terror attack, officials at the 2014 Sochi Winter Olympics decided at the last minute to include suicide bombing as a competitive sport in this year's games.
"In the name of good will, we will allow militant fanatics to blow themselves up competitively. No one should be excluded from the universal brotherhood of the Olympic Games." said Stanley Blowmouth, Olympic committee chairman. Suicide bombing, along with heterosexuals-only snowball fights and aerial wolf hunting, is one of the newest events added to the exciting lineup at Sochi this winter.
There are two categories in competitive suicide bombing: First: the cross country explosion. Participants have 40 minutes to fashion a suicide vest, strap it to their chest, then cross country ski five miles into the detonation area. The first one to explode wins the gold. Second: the downhill explosion. An explosive laden skier plunges off a ski jump, and detonates in mid air. Points are given for size of explosion, dispersal pattern, and choreography.
"I feel so much safer," said Olympic spectator Darlene Chambliss. "I didn't travel all the way to Russia to get blown up. Now I can watch from a safe distance while cheering my favorite team!"
The U.S.A. is not favored to win any medals in this category. It will likely place far below more experienced teams, such as Iraq, Saudi Arabia and Bermuda.
"This is an outrage!" exclaimed figure skating medalist Nancy Kerrigan. "This makes a mockery of true athletes, while legitimizing extremists and crazies!" But aimless angry loser Howard LeFever sees it differently. "This gives me a chance to go out in style. Plus I'm really good at exploding." Sadly, the Canadian team lost five of its members last week in a tragic fireball during practice.
Viewer ratings are expected to smash records, exceeding the Super Bowl and even the season finale of Cupcake Wars. "Bobsleds are for babies! And speed skating is for sissies!" said couch potato Slim Hickman. "But I'll tune in to watch my favorite team explode!"
The surge in viewership has prompted a whole new breed of Winter Olympic events, including the Bar Room Brawl, the Shooting Spree, Combat Yoga, Monster Truck Extreme Gladiators, and of course, Synchronized Suicide Bombing. "Sochi 2014 will be the happiest Olympics ever", said an exuberant chairman Blowmouth. "Bombers, butchers and barbarians will now be part of the Olympic family. And they'll all be wearing the cutest outfits!"
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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