He's the man behind the Prince of Darkness. He's the organizer, decision maker, and the brain trust that gives Hell its truly awful reputation. If you die and go to Hell, you can thank Steve Jankowski for your custom tailored eternal damnation. But today, there's a bit of a shakeup going on down below. Steve Jankowski, Hell's Creative Director, plans on resigning at the end of this week.
"It's just not going to be Hell without him", said a glum Satan. "Sure, I'm evil, and I strike terror into the souls of all living creatures, but Steve was my idea man."
Steve Jankowski, a former advertising executive, was hired on as creative director after living a pretty average life of sin. Upon arriving in Hell, Steve was really disappointed at the 'mediocre and unimaginative' forms of endless pain being offered to damed souls "It's just not tracking for me," said Jankowski, as he was doused with petrol and set alight by demons. "I could totally dial this place up a notch!" So Steve, using his background in marketing, persuaded Satan to give him a job: coming up with ever more creative and horrifying ways to spend eternity. "It's Hell, with a personal touch."
"One of my favorites was Diarrhea Planet", chuckled Steve. "Some billionaire toxic waste polluter finally croaked. Real scumbag. Dumped decades of sewage into virgin rivers. So when he died, I designed a world of shit for him. Literally. An earth sized ocean planet of diarrhea from pole to pole. Weather: forty three degrees with a constant drizzle. Of diarrhea. Just dropped him in, with a pair of flippers and a snorkel. Plop! Buh-bye."
Steve's 'out-of-the-box', award winning designs earned him numerous awards, and put him on the cover of Damnation magazine several times.
"I remember when Hitler came through the door", reminisced Steve. "Fire and brimstone would have been a slap on the wrist for that prick. So I strapped old Adolph to a chair, and hooked him up to an IV drip filled with liquid remorse. My own special cocktail of concentrated guilt and sudden clarity. Then, I piped Justin Bieber in through a pair of massive speakers. Hitler's still there now. Eternity's a long time, bro."
Among Steve's other masterpieces: Saddam Hussein reincarnates as the bottom of a sneaker, worn by a kid who steps in dog shit. Over and over. Pol Pot gets to fall into a Whisper Chipper, every seven minutes. Feet first. And serial killer Elizabeth Bathory has been granted immortality. But she will age naturally. In a room filled with mirrors.
"I'm blessed." said Steve. "I love my work. But it's time for me to move on." Satan wrote him a sterling reference letter. Hell will be the hot spot this weekend as Steve Jankowski throws himself a massive 'going away' party. And what's next for the master of eternal suffering and damnation? "I'm starting up my own company. Global Hellworks, Inc.The sky's the limit!" Already, Steve has received offers from numerous private security firms, several governments, and even an S&M dungeon. "Hey, why work for peanuts in Hell when I can be a rock star here on Earth?"
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume
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