Every year, during the Oscars, there is the annual Death Montage. For roughly two minutes, the previous year's fallen legends flow by in a deeply emotional sequence of still images, all set to a heart-swelling orchestral score.

This year, Howard Shinkelmeyer, out-of-work actor, parolee, and busboy at TGI Fridays, has made it his lifelong ambition to get into the Oscar Death Montage. "If Philip Seymour Hoffman, Sid Caesar and Harold Ramus can do it, then I can do it, too. This is my calling. Death Montage, here I come!"

Unfortunately, Howard Shinkelmeyer has a long way to go. "Okay, I haven't acted in a while. There was that naked screaming episode in the Starbucks parking lot. And then there was that time during rush hour when I got out of my car and recited lines from 'Pulp Fiction' while jumping up and down on my hood, covered in blue face paint. I'm a great actor, and I belong in that Death Montage!"

In spite of his efforts, officials at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences declined Howard's request to be in this year's Death Montage. Again. "First of all, you must attain legendary status," explained Academy spokesman Jerry Dudd. "You must accomplish great deeds, and contribute great things. Second of all, you must be dead."

"I can do that." said an enthusiastic Howard Shinkelmeyer. Howard plans to 'hit the ground running' this year; winning two Oscars for best actor and best supporting actor, an Oscar for best director, as well as Oscars for best original screenplay, best score and best feature-length documentary (all between his shifts at TGI Fridays). "Once I've done that, I will travel to Africa and give away my fortune to help millions of starving children. And then I will die tragically in a grisly tractor accident. The world will be shocked and heartbroken at my demise. And that stupid Academy will have no choice but to put me in their Death Montage."

Again the Academy said no. "We're not going to put some random hack into our death montage!" exclaimed Death Montage producer Hammond Biff. "This guy has nothing on his reel, unless you count drunk and disorderly, shoplifting, and indecent exposure."

"True," said Howard, "but they're all blockbuster performances. There won't be a dry eye in the house." Howard's next film, "Exhibit 8-A" is a heart-stopping drama in which he steals 72 dollars from a convenience store clerk while wearing a Shrek mask. "This is my tour-de-force! Meryl Streep or Cate Blanchett never looked so good on a black and white security camera!" He plans on doing a sequel, maybe turning it into a franchise. Once he raises enough funds, he plans on leaving a suitcase of money on the Academy's doorstep.

"I'm getting into the Death Montage if it kills me!" said a determined Howard. "And if I can't die my way in, I'll buy my way in."


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

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