Over the past few years, the process known as 'gerry-mandering', or the re-drawing of congressional districts, to strengthen a political party's hold on power, has gotten a little out of control. This year, one district in particular, has literally taken it to the breaking point.
Last night, 37 year old Braxton Parker was gerrymandered in half. In spite of this tragedy, Congressman Chauncy Gasbag (R) of Texas has no problem with the time honored tradition of gerrymandering. Congressman Gasbag has never met anyone in his district. He proudly supports the return of the Confederacy and the Spanish Inquisition. He believes in child marriage, and he cranks up Ted Nugent to 120 decibels in his jacked up personal M-1 Tank as he speeds through town. He's also served time for rape, arson and murder. And yet, he keeps getting re-elected, with no opposition, term after term after term.
"I love serving the people of my district", lied Mr. Gasbag, as he washed back his dolphin steak with a gulp of Jack & Pepsi. Texas District # 5 (Chauncy Gasbag's) stretches for almost two thousand miles as it weaves its way across the state, capturing within its boundaries only the sleaziest of shitbirds, fanatics, bigots and assholes. Starting in Dallas (at Cleb's Shoot & Drink Firing Range) District #5 extends west into Fort Worth, encompassing three fundamentalist mega churches, a whites only country club, and a bullet factory. The district then splits into three 'tentacles', each about a mile wide. One extends west towards Lubbock, where it includes an endangered species hunting ranch, and a cluster of ethnically cleansed counties. The second tentacle reaches east about two hundred miles (avoiding all the black people) to a training compound for angry white militias. The third tentacle sprawls south, where it includes all of Waco and Texas A & M fraternity row.
"We need to include every nutbag in the state", said gerrymandering expert Stanley Noneck, "so we've had to draw some pretty careful boundaries." In fact, District #5 spider webs its way down through Austin (where it's only one inch wide) and then fans out towards Houston, cherry-picking for fringe dwelling kooks for another six hundred miles. It sidesteps the house of State Senator Wendy Davis, skirts around the residence of progressive Ryan Linehan, zigs up supermarket aisles, zags down alleys, and dives beneath a Planned Parenthood clinic, before resurfacing near Odessa, TX and splitting the Parker family home clean in half.
The district boundary divides the king-size bed of Thelma and Braxton Parker. Thelma, who believes in evolution, health care, and gravity, sleeps on the left side of the bed, in some other congressional district. Braxton, a totally maxed-out hyper-patriot, sleeps with seven loaded shotguns under his side of the bed, safely inside District #5. But on the eve of election day, Braxton rolled over, snoring and drunk, onto his wife's side. That morning, Braxton was initially not allowed to cast his ballot for Chauncy Gasbag, because it was alleged that 'most of him had moved out of the district.' "Communist Nazis!" he bellowed as he was dragged from the polling station. A panel of experts ultimately declared that Braxton was only 48% of the way across the bed. A huge hairy flap of Braxton's beer belly had remained in District #5, thereby saving Chauncy Gasbag's political career by a nose hair.
"No one gerrymanders me in half!" declared an angry Braxton Parker. "From now on, I'm sleeping in my truck! On the right side of the driveway!"
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume