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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 86:

MAN RECEIVES 4 CONSECUTIVE
LIFE SENTENCES,
MUST SERVE THEM ALL

 

 
 

Derrick Smallworth was sentenced to 4 consecutive life terms today. The convicted pot smoker, computer hacker and jaywalker showed no emotion as he was handed down his harsh sentence. "Heck. I'm already 79 years old. I'll kick the bucket soon enough, then I'm outta here!"

Or so he thinks. New developments in punishment technology allow for the tracking of souls once they have left the body. One week after he was incarcerated, Derrick Smallworth passed away. Derrick's soul planned to vanish off the radar and reincarnate as a baby duck somewhere in Switzerland.

But law enforcement officials were already there, in Switzerland, when that baby duck was born. "Not so fast, duck!" said an officer as he tazed the tiny fuzzy bird and hauled it from its nest. "You're coming with us, prisoner!"

The process, known as SoulTracker® is a groundbreaking new system that delivers justice right into the next lifetime, and beyond. "The current system lets them off too easy," said prisonologist Gordon Bebb. "Death lets them skate away. With SoulTracker®, convicts will serve out their full, literal sentence. No matter who or what they reincarnate into, we track them down, and lock them up!"

Last week, federal agents captured a grey squirrel in Colorado. The small fluffy acorn gatherer is believed to be triple murderer Max Gorkley (who died in prison last year). And in Keene, New Hampshire, little five year-old Brittany Jenkins was dragged from kindergarten and placed into custody. SoulTracker® officer Jared Lethrow explained: "This cute little button-nosed girl here? She's got a rap sheet a mile long. Rape. Arson. Homicide. Extends back two lifetimes." Little Brittany didn't go quietly. "I'll fucking get you if it's the last thing I do!" she screamed as she was thrown into an armored police van. "I'll blow up your house! I'll take out your entire family!" Officer Lethrow sighed. "They really hate it when the long arm of the law catches up with them."

Human (and animal) rights groups are voicing alarm about SoulTracker® technology. "How many kittens, goldfish and parakeets are mistakenly caught and locked up?" said activist Audrey Jones. But SoulTracker CEO Hollis Wigman pushed back. "Every mouse, puppy dog and bunny rabbit that we catch is a cold blooded killer. Well, almost. There's always a margin of error, but that's the price you pay for freedom."

And so, Derrick Smallworth will serve out the rest of his life in a maximum security duck pond. "The food here sucks! The water is filthy! Half my cellmates are innocent, and now I'm some hardcore chihuahua's bitch!" With a little luck, Derrick the duckling may be eligible for parole, two or three lifetimes from now.

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume


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