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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 88:

MANKIND TRASHES EARTH
LOSES SECURITY DEPOSIT

 

 
 

After totally trashing Earth, Mankind was notified by its landlord that it will not be getting its security deposit back. "What the fuckity fuck?" said a totally pissed-off Mankind. "We paid our rent every month on time ever since we stood up on two legs. Okay, we horsed around and trashed the place a little. Give us a break!"

But Mother Nature (Mankind's landlord) wasn't pleased. "It says right here in the lease that the security deposit will be fully refunded, if the planet is left in its original condition. Take a look around. It's a fucking garbage heap! Lakes of radioactive toxic sludge. Forests cut to the ground, replaced with a desert of discarded cell phones and computer mice. And what's the deal with your ocean of plastic bags? Were you guys raised in a barn? Hell no! I'm keeping your security deposit."

Enraged, Mankind threw a tantrum, and filled the Grand Canyon to the rim with raw sewage. "That's what you get for keeping our security deposit!" The security deposit was first month, last month, plus one thousand dollars. But now, Mother Nature will need the money to clean up the mess left by her former tenant, Mankind. And it's not nearly enough.

"Look, I try to be an accommodating landlord", explained Mother Nature. "Leave a few picture hooks in the wall, or some beer bottles under the sink - no problem. You'll get your security deposit back. But scorching a million acres of grassland? Melting the polar ice cap? Flattening an entire mountain range just to get some coal? That was NOT in the lease agreement...and the whole concept of Las Vegas? What the hell were you thinking?"

Mankind sheepishly tried to explain that it was young and foolish, and just had to get some 'pubescent mischief' out of its system.

"Really?" said an annoyed Mother Nature. "By turning the atmosphere into a blistering blanket of beige filth? If I let you off the hook, I'd have to let every other thug, scumbag and vandal off the hook. So get over it. No security deposit!"

Mankind whined. "How are we supposed to afford moving into a new place? We need that money!" After turning its home into a poisoned ash-choked wasteland from horizon to horizon, Mankind had no choice but to move out and find a new place to live.

Once Mankind left the property, Mother Nature closed Earth for several hundred thousand years... to clean, scrape, scrub,and otherwise re-do the whole place to make it livable once again. Her new tenants, the ducks, have promised to be model residents and keep the place spotless.

Meanwhile, Mankind went on Craigslist, and found a shabby little asteroid. No lease, month-to-month. Within a year, Mankind had totally trashed the asteroid and was evicted.

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume


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