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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 92:

AMERICAN DUMBASS:
THE GAME SHOW THAT REWARDS
PEOPLE FOR NOT KNOWING
THE ANSWERS

 

 
 

Are you tired of watching all those game shows where smart people win all the glory because they know so much? Do they make you feel stupid and worthless? Worry no more. Get ready for AMERICAN DUMBASS! The game show that rewards people who don't know anything.

"It's a game changer for game shows", said Dumbass game show host Ted Winklespoon. "The less you know, the more you win. Illiterate morons get fabulous prizes, while big-brained know-it-alls get a boot to the head."

"American Dumbass is my favorite show", said half-wit Elmer Smithers. I can't find America on a map, and numbers bigger than three hurt my brain. But now I can win a truck and a bunch of money for being stupid. Maybe I'll be American Dumbass champion one day!"

Contestants who score perfectly are punished severely. Last year, physicist Dr. Calvin Grobleski answered everything correctly. When he got the right answer to the equation for gravity, a loud buzzer sounded. He got a boot to the head. Then a trap door opened beneath Dr. Grobleski's seat, and he plunged to a fiery death, while the audience howled with laughter.

Stupidolgist Gilbert Vacuum explains. "We can't just have people going around knowing stuff. It's offensive, it alienates the public, and frankly it's dangerous."

Ever since public education was outlawed last year, anyone caught displaying knowledge could be cited for treason. "Smarty-pants people have ruled the world long enough," said anti-intellectualist Howard Dingdale. "American Dumbass opens the door wide for the noble idiot."

Last week, American Dumbass contestant Timothy Slackjaw made history when he got every answer wrong for three straight weeks. The gifted moron soared through the elimination process. Then he got thrown a curve ball. The question: "What is the name of The Empire State Building?" Jeremy looked confidently at the camera, and said... "It's name is Bob!" The big red 'WRONG!' sign flashed, and the audience cheered. Timothy Slackjaw won a million dollars, and he found himself up against reigning Dumbass Champion Eric Littlehead.

Last night was the American Dumbass Ultra-Final. Over one billion Dumbass fans tuned in. A drum roll sounded... and the make-or-break question was asked. "What is your birthday?" Total silence filled the studio. Challenger Timothy Slackjaw's brow furrowed in frustration. His eyes glazed over. Finally he dozed off and wet his pants. The big red 'WRONG!' sign flashed, confetti fell on the cheering audience, and the whole world celebrated.

Timothy Slackjaw did a touchdown dance on stage, as he was crowned American Dumbass Champion. Among his winnings: one billion dollars, a commercial pilot's license, a seat in Congress, 3 wives and 26 kids.

Get in touch with your inner idiot, and watch American Dumbass: The new game show where stupid is sexy!


Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume


 

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