With the stroke of a pen, the mother of all corporate mergers
will be complete as of midnight. Where once there were thousands
of diverse businesses competing with each other, providing a robust
variety of goods and services to a thriving citizenry, there will now
only be one:

ChevronStarbucksPepsiTimeWarnerKelloggsHalliburtonCostcoBoeing-RatheonSmith&WessonBurgerKingDeltaAppleChevroletViagra
(or InfinityCorp, for short). InfinityCorp will provide everything
the world population needs in the form of one uniform beige paste.

"This is what the people have been waiting for," said InfinityCorp CEO Dap Thimble. "No more 'choosing' and 'deciding'. That's so overrated, and frankly a waste of valuable time that could be otherwise spent lying on your back, and having our product inserted into your mouth or up your butt."

If you need a coffee, InfinityCorp is there. If you have a painful rash, InfinityCorp is there. If you need to upgrade your computer, grab
a burger, buy a car, watch a movie, fire your gun or improve your
sex life, InfinityCorp is there!

"Variety is so 2013! These details are just too taxing on the mind," said mediocrity expert Stan Blandman. "All this stimulation, transportation and entertainment, can be combined, to provide the consumer with maximum satisfaction. By compressing all of life's countless experiences into a uniform beige paste, we can also increase profit margins immensely." InfinityCorp plans to go public (INFCO) at the end of the month. But it will be the only company on the US Stock Exchange, as all others have ceased to exist. "Get in on the ground floor, and become a beige paste billionaire!" says CEO Dap Thimble.

The beige paste can be worn as a shirt, driven as a car, eaten as breakfast, or watched as a movie. And it will be really, really expensive, due to a complete lack of competition.

And what about upstarts? "Why would anyone want to do that?" said Hank Blabberstone, InfinityCorp Security Chief. "Everyone loves being told what to eat, drink, think, watch, and wear. Plus it makes a terrific shampoo."

Blabberstone went on to explain that the beige paste can also be used to bury anyone (up to their necks) who attempts to challenge InfinityCorp's corporate personhood. "After all, we're the only person left on the block."

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

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