A startling new discovery has debunked the whole crucifixion theory: Jesus Christ, Son of God, didn’t die on the cross. He was thrown into a wood chipper.

“It was loud and messy, just like in the movie “Fargo”, explained archeologist Dr. Ted Chissum, “but it was relatively quick and painless.”

Christians the world over were shocked. “What about the glorious sign of the cross?” asked deeply saddened Joline Timms.

Sorry Jolene. The cross has gone out of fashion.

This totally upended the religion’s branding. For millennia, the iconic cross has been used for steeples, necklaces, tattoos, bumper stickers, grave markers and T-shirts.

Now it will be replaced with the wood chipper.

At first, Christians resisted the change. But the Vatican came around quickly. "Death by wood chipper? That's a far more gruesome way to kill a man of wisdom and compassion. The wood chipper’s a great new logo for our product."

And so the de-crossing of Christianity began:

“I’ll wear a diamond-studded wood chipper necklace to the baby shower,” said Fluffy Baldridge of Pensacola.

“I own a real wood chipper,” said landscaper Howard Stonk, “does that make it a church now?”

Holy Cross Hospital is now Holy Wood Chipper Hospital. "It makes sense,” said hospital director Clarence Bloff, “we receive far more machine-related injuries than crucifixion-related injuries."

“Jesus died in the wood chipper for your sins,” proclaims a billboard somewhere in West Virginia.

And then a new discovery shook the foundations of Christianity, again: Jesus Christ wasn't thrown into a wood chipper. He was actually hit by a bus. He died shortly thereafter at Holy-Hit-by-A-Bus Hospital.

HAPPY EASTER.