Greenland invaded America last night. The lightly armed troops stormed the beach at midnight, taking the Eastern Seaboard in less than three hours. Greenlandic commandos scaled the American Capitol, planting their national flag atop the rotunda. The American president fled the country and is now hiding in a toilet stall in El Salvador. And the U.S. military surrendered without firing a shot.

The next morning, Americans awoke to find this announcement on their
cell phones:

“Hello, this is Greenland. We own you.”

“We seized America for national security purposes,” said Greenland’s Prime Minister Jens-Frederik Nielsen. “But we also want your natural gas and your lavender oatmilk macchiatos.”

Greenland’s population is a paltry 56,865, compared to the United States' gut-busting 340 million. Subsequently, each Greenlander can buy up to 5,980 Americans as domestic property ($25.99 for a healthy fertile male with good teeth).

"Americans are so cheerful and obedient,” said Greenlander Inunnguaq Olsen, “and they’re really good at trimming hedges, washing dishes, doing laundry, gutting fish and scraping barnacles off walruses.”

And just when you thought it couldn't get worse, Americans will now be subjected to Greenland’s social benefits: free health care, free quality education, and a lifetime pension that will ensure comfort and security into their old age.

"Over my dead body," whined Hunter Hogg, a proudly bankrupt American geezer covered with seeping pustules. The "Dead Bodies" a pro-American rebel group, was quickly vanquished by Greenlandic special forces.

"You will eat well and die happy under Greenlandic occupation," said Captain Naasunnguaq Hjorth.

As conquered Greenlandic subjects, Americans will now be required to eat “Suaasat”, the national dish of Greenland: a thick soup made from seal meat, potatoes and onions. “It can also be made from the meat and bones of whale, seagull or caribou,” explained Greenlander Aputsiaq Hrolfson, “but don’t ruin it with your American ketchup.”