The president fired his cabinet for not being shitty enough. First on the chopping block was Attorney General Pam Bondi. Bondi was dismissed for failing to prosecute and jail the president’s opponents.
Her replacement will be “Jaws”, the steel-toothed villain from several 1970’s James Bond films. Jaws immediately went to work, chewing off the fingers and toes of those who criticized the president. The president then fired Marco Rubio, the deer-in-the-headlights Secretary of State. Marco was removed for not “winning hearts and minds with an iron fist.”
He will be replaced with Nurse Ratched from “One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest”. Secretary Ratched ordered electro-shock therapy for all world leaders with free will. “And for those of you who still whine and bitch, it’s lobotomy city,” she said with a crisp, icy smile.
The next cabinet member to go was DHS Secretary Markwayne Mullin. The child-whipping wrestler was dismissed for being “overqualified”.
His successor will be Cruella de Ville from “101 Dalmatians”. Cruella took to the podium in a sleek, overpriced dog-pelt. “Mullin only whipped his kids? And Noem only shot one puppy?” Secretary Cruella pledged to shoot 101 dogs a day in the name of flag-flapping freedom.
Pete Hegseth was fired for not turning Iran into “America’s backyard barbecue” by Easter. “He wasn’t winning winningly enough,” declared the president.
The badly tattooed War-Secretary will be replaced with Grand Moff Tarkin, Death Star chief from “Star Wars.” “You may fire when ready,” ordered Tarkin. And there was a great disturbance in the Force.
Robert Kennedy Jr. will be replaced with Hannibal Lecter and Scott Bessent will be replaced with Lex Luthor.
Then the president realized, “Hey, now I’m not shitty enough." And he fired himself.
On the short list for the president’s replacement: Wile E. Coyote, Jabba the Hutt and the Anaconda from “Anaconda.”
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