Last night, 37 year-old Braxton Peters of Austin, Texas was gerrymandered in half. The newly drawn U.S. Congressional boundary sliced directly through his house, through his bedroom, and through his bed, splitting him in half at the waist. Braxton’s head and upper body remained in Texas Democratic District #5, while his buttocks, legs, gonads and feet became a registered voter in the newly drawn Texas Republican District # 27. He is now in effect, two voters.

“Just my luck,” said a flabbergasted Braxton, “I got gerrymandered!”

Gerrymandering is all the rage these days. It’s hugely popular among shadowy overlords.  “All we’re asking for is permanent, limitless power”, explained shadowy overlord Cranston Hogtweed III, “If a few Americans get sliced up along the way, we’ll send thoughts and prayers."

The brand new Texas District #27 spider webs its way through Austin (where it's only six feet wide in places), twisting and turning for miles and miles before fanning out towards Lubbock, where it cherry-picks for fringe-dwelling conspiracy theorists and lunatic gasbags. It tentacles out for another two hundred miles, sidestepping all voters who believe the earth is round, and skirting around any voters suspected of empathy. It zigs up supermarket aisles, zags down alleys, and dives beneath a Planned Parenthood clinic, before resurfacing at a book-burning near Granville, Texas.

Braxton Peters is a complicated person. His upper half believes in evolution, health care, and gravity. His lower half is a totally maxed-out hyper-patriot convicted of sexual assault, rape and murder.

“You’re a stunted psycho-MAGA moron!” yelled Braxton’s upper half to his lower half. “You’re a limp livered woke snowflake!” screamed Braxton’s lower half to his upper half. The president granted Braxton’s lower half a presidential pardon, so Braxton’s lower half is now free to purchase firearms, ammunition, commit rape, and vote.

“My vote’s only half as powerful now, because I’m only half a man,” complained Braxton’s upper half.

“And I’m twice the man,” bragged Braxton’s lower half. Braxton’s brag was true: As of midnight, Texas District #27 will split in two again, giving the knuckle-dragging base even more infinite power.

Braxton’s lower half was ripped right down the crotch, one leg into each district. Both legs are voters now.