The White House issued a sweeping decree this week: the president will be sending
out one candy corn to every senior citizen in America, to alleviate the spiraling costs of health care.

“We will bring relief to America’s elderly this season,” declared the president. “Candy corns are soft, chewy, sweet and delicious. And they are extremely American.” The White House predicts that “Operation Candy Corn” will swing the senior vote back towards his party and usher in a new era of “Candy Corn Freedom” for the nation.

“Who needs health care?” said bankrupt 80-year-old Clyde Higgins. “The president’s coming to the rescue.”

The iconic Halloween treat can provide 15 to 20 seconds of mouthwatering satisfaction. If suckled slowly and swallowed properly, a fresh candy corn can bring up to 35 seconds of delectable joy. “Old people are dying for a snack,” said press secretary Jenny Jiffypop. “One morsel of candy corn, and all your incontinence, arthritis and cancer will vanish for a precious patriotic moment.”

Over 60 million candy corns will be mailed out next week, complete with a gold embossed photograph of the president with his rubber stamp signature.

“It more than makes up for my rectal polyps,” exclaimed a cheerful Trudy Blunt from her deathbed.

A few members of Congress are proposing a “Candy Corns for All” policy. But the White House pushed back, calling it “socialist handouts for lazy liberals.”

“Candy Corns for All” was swiftly vetoed by the president. “Look. If you can walk and wipe your ass, then you’re gonna work for your candy corn,” he said while picking candy corns out of his stool.

Each candy corn will cost $375 to produce. Shipping costs and fees not included.

“I’m saving my candy corn for a rainy day,” said toothless senior Matilda Boggs.