This week, a fantastic alien civilization far more advanced than ours abruptly cancelled its plans to visit Earth. The cosmic spectacle, which would have undoubtedly changed humanity forever, has been taken off the schedule. In a brief press release, the aliens said that they decided to stay home, as they were 'really disappointed by our reprehensible and downright infantile behavior'.

"Sorry about the last minute change of plans," explained GzzrfXag5u&8+%$, the eight-legged fifty-eyed chieftain from the Orion Nebula, "but we just don't feel comfortable landing on your planet at the moment. After reading your latest headlines, we've concluded that you're still a bunch of adolescent meatheads fixated on obliterating yourselves and everything around you. So we're going to pass. We'll be back in ten thousand years, to see if you've cleaned up your act."

And so Humanity misses out on another chance for a history-making visit from space aliens. The phosphorescent super-beings from Orion had made several attempts at contact with us before: a million years ago, they encountered a bunch of howling apes throwing fly-specked turds at each other. Then there was the Spanish Inquisition. "Burning people at the stake for not believing you're the center of the universe? Really? See you later." They waited for a few more centuries. There was the French Revolution, the Holocaust, and 9/11. "You guys just don't learn!" said &$^#&^^@@*^#, a Royal Emissary from Orion. "It's like you keep pooping on the expensive rug right next to the newspaper!"

Humanity complained. "Come on! We're ready now. We recycle, we take shorter showers, and we use canvas bags when we go shopping."

"Whoop-de-doo!" said the vastly superior intelligent beings. "We wanted to share our magnificent wisdom with you and welcome you into the Galactic Community. But you fuckballs still invade each other with tanks and bombs, and continue to replace your oceans with plastic bags? Cosmically speaking, you dingbats are still in diapers!"

However, the aliens did approve of some of mankind's achievements. "We love your jazz music. Who is this Stan Getz? Some of your television is quite amusing. South Park arouses our humor lobes. And your Humboldt Fog cheese is quite magnificent. Perhaps there is some promise for you creatures after all."

The Aliens pledged to return in ten thousand years if we haven't melted our ice caps, turned our oceans into acid, butchered each other for a few barrels of dinosaur juice, and converted the globe into a parking lot for a trillion SUV's. "Just don't do those things, and we'll be back", they promised.

In the meantime, A Flock of Seagulls will be putting on an '80s throwback concert at the Hollywood Bowl (as a last-minute fill-in for the cancelled Alien visit). "It's not quite the evening we hoped for," said Deborah Thompson of Woodland Hills, CA. "But at least they look like middle-aged space aliens."

Anti News ©2022 Chris Hume


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