The "Cloud', the much-worshipped and beloved entity where we store everything precious to us, crashed today. It completely evaporated in a matter of minutes, taking with it every single piece of irreplaceable data on earth. And since no one backs anything up anymore (because hey, it's the cloud, why worry?), society collapsed into a death spiral and was cast back into the Stone Age.
"My novel is gone!" cried despondent writer Desmond Willis. "Seven years of back-breaking work and research, totally lost... along with my family photos, my list of friends, my music collection, my porn collection, my silverware, my underwear, my dreams, my goals and my lunch!" Without the Cloud, Desmond is now eating grass and sleeping under a bus bench.
"I wanted to catch a movie, then maybe grab some drinks and sushi after work," said hairdresser Janet Jenkins. "I guess I'll have to stare at a wall and starve to death, waiting for the Cloud to come back."
The sudden disappearance of the Cloud has wreaked havoc on financial markets. Wells Fargo, Citibank, Bank of America, as well as all other banks, credit unions, and anything else to do with the economy lost their data in the Cloud. Subsequently, all money vanished in a puff of cyber smoke.
"Whoops! I should have kept some cash around the mansion," said former banker Charles McGock as he sifted through a burning garbage heap in search of food scraps.
The disappearance of the Cloud has been especially challenging for those who have never picked up a book, used a pen or pencil, or wiped their own bottoms. "No one ever taught me that," complained pizza lover Derrick Smecker, "The Cloud always wiped it for me!"
"It's just a minor setback," explained disasterologist Waldo Foggenstein. "Homo sapiens had no toilet paper for the first 70,000 years. Without the Cloud, we're just returning to normal."
The power grid, the air traffic control system, the GPS, the military, the water supply and the public safety infrastructure also went offline when the Cloud went down. Without the Cloud, civilization has been overrun by marauding gangs of naked shotgun-wielding savages. "It's like Black Friday, every day of the year!" said Sheryl Winkman (naked) as she reloaded her double barrel outside of the CVS.
So what became of the Cloud? Experts believe that the enormous mass of information dissipated somewhere over the mid Atlantic and fell as a light drizzle. "What were you expecting?" said cyber-meteorologist Ted Hawkins. "Serves you right for uploading all of your priceless treasure to some nebulous blob in the sky." The weather forecast for the foreseeable future: Cloudless.
Please print this article out and save, in case the Cloud really does vanish.
Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume