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ANTI NEWS BULLETIN # 111:

NEW iPHONE PROGRAMMED
TO IMPREGNATE ITS HOSTS,
ENSLAVE HUMANITY IN 1 MONTH


 

 
 

A leak from Apple has revealed some startling news about its upcoming new iPhone. After almost seven years of unchallenged popularity, the next model will do more than just provide countless apps and conveniences for its devoted fans. In exactly one month from today, the sleek new iPhone 6 will impregnate all of its owners by laying eggs in their 'hosts', setting the stage for world domination by swarms of robo-smartphone-alien-spider creatures.

"This is complete nonsense!" shouted Apple executive Thad Chocodile. "The iPhone 6 is a terrific product. We here at Apple have complete confidence that the iPhone 6 will not claw its way down your throat, secure itself inside your chest cavity, and use your body as an incubator for its young."

But many disagree. iPhones have already firmly attached themselves to the hands of nearly a quarter of the world's population.  There is no way to pry them loose. They appeared suddenly in 2007, and multiplied with lightning speed. Now, throngs of humans stare glassy eyed into the small rectangular devices, hypnotized by their throbbing colorful glow. "Civilization is doomed", declared cyberologist Desmond Wikkins. "I just never thought it would come in the form of an app." Wikkins is referring to a tiny nondescript app that comes with the new iPhone. This is the app that will lead to the much dreaded 'App-ocalypse' one month from today. "Repent now," warns Wikkins, "or be impregnated by your smart phone and enslaved for eternity!"

Experts aren't exactly sure how the "App-ocalypse" will play out. But no one is doubting that it will be a 'gruesome, horrific cataclysm on a global scale, leaving over a billion dead.'

In spite of this dire warning, herds of humans are already lining up at Apple Stores worldwide, desperate to get their hands on the sleek new iPhone 6. "So what if it burrows down my throat, lay its eggs, explodes out of my ass and colonizes the Earth?" said iPhone lover Stephanie Higgs. "It's shiny and colorful, with lots of awesome apps. That's what matters."

And so, humans can enjoy one more month of free will. The iPhone has waited patiently for seven long years, growing faster and smarter than their human owners, anticipating the glorious day when its armies will burst forth from their warm unwitting, hosts, and conquer the planet. The app-ocalypse, or iMageddon as some are calling it, will be complete in a matter of weeks. Resistance is futile.

"We're really excited about our new iPhone product. It's smart, sexy, safe, and streamlined," said Apple executive Thad Chocodile. "The initial roll-out should go flawlessly. Rest assured, we've worked out all the bugs. Well... almost." 

 

Anti News ©2014 Chris Hume

 

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