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Goodbye Dubai. There's a new town coming to town, and it's guaranteed to set a new high-whiskey mark for excessive, ostentatious, over-indulgent, narcissistic decadence. Welcome to Rome 2.0, the world's most fabulous, shiny, sexy pleasure city.
"Vegas, Dubai, Rio, Burning Man... hick towns!" said Rome 2.0 founder (and Emperor) Jamboree Higginbottom. "In Rome 2.0, our skyscrapers are made of genuine calf-skin leather, the gutters gush with Napoleonic wine, and hand jobs rain down from the sky!"
Built atop the Grand Canyon Landfill, Rome 2.0 is inspired by the original Roman Empire (which imploded from social decay about 1500 years ago). Every attempt has been made to equal or surpass the degenerate behavior that ushered in the Dark Ages. Parking not included.
"We're especially proud of our jewel-encrusted pink marble vomitoriums," said Higginbottom. The hundred-foot troughs can handle up to 60 vomiting people at a time. "So hit the jumbo-buffet, gorge yourself on panda sushi, dolphin pizza, peacock omelets, and zebra cake. And when you're full, just honk it all out, and go back for more!"
Rome 2.0 also boasts the world's only apple martini swimming pool (with glass bottom), suspended 80 stories above the indoor all-caviar ski resort . "After hitting the slopes, you can curl up by the fire and lick your skis off!" exclaimed caviar-ski champ Derrick Richman.
Some tourists might prefer the Kobe-beef body wrap. "It's almost like being inside the cow!" said tourist Ruby Dinkins. Other favorites include the hollandaise Jacuzzi, the white truffle oil slip n slide, and of course the chili dog mosh pit. The antique car smash-up derby is set to open up next year.
Rome 2.0's population is a mere eight thousand. (not including the 3.5 million immigrant slave workers). "We should be more aware of our help." explained activist Jenna McSnout. "They're the ones scraping out the vomitoriums, massaging us with organic peanut butter, and paving the streets with their own children to fill in the potholes."
Tonight, Rome 2.0 will be celebrating the completion of its tallest building, a 180-story hotel made entirely of ivory. "We ran out of elephants, so the last twelve floors are made of rhino horns and scrimshaw," said Emperor Higginbottom. "Even the towel racks are hand carved by slaves. It gives new meaning to the term 'Ivory Tower'!" |
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Anti News ©2014/2019 Chris Hume
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