By Tossing Empty Red Bull Can Into the Street



Joey McGreeley, an awkward teenager, singlehandedly pushed the Earth into irreversible climate change by tossing a used Red Bull can into the street. The unwitting young man had finished his final gulp of the energy drink, but was too lazy to walk half a block, and dispose of the empty can in a recycling bin.

At that moment, Joey brought forth the much-feared global tipping point. The gawky, pimply faced kid provided that crucial piece of trash that set into motion a cataclysmic shift in the planet's weather system from which we will never recover.

"Humans have been slowly fucking up the planet for hundreds of years," explained climatologist Trent Danwit. "All it took was one more empty can. Some poor schmuck had to be the one to toss it into the street and destroy our ecosystem forever.  It just happened to be Joey."   
Merely seconds after Joey's can clanked into the gutter, the oceans turned into a putrid acidic goo. A withering, permanent drought scorched North America into a moonscape, and sea levels shot up two hundred feet, engulfing entire nations, and drowning whole cities.
"Why me?" said a depressed Joey. "Why did I have to be the guy who caused the runaway greenhouse effect?" Meanwhile, forest fires consumed Europe and most of Australia, and vast deposits of methane released from melting permafrost turned the atmosphere into a toxic oven. "I'm going to find the loser who did this," said outraged grandmother Theresa Squalls, "and I'm going to personally bitchslap his ass."
As Antarctica melted and Africa roasted, Joey curled up under his blanket and sulked.  At this point he would normally eat 2 cartons of Ben and Jerry's and watch 10 hours of TV to numb his guilt. But due to the total collapse of civilization (all his fault), there was no more TV or ice cream. Ever again.
Meanwhile, billions rioted over dwindling food supplies, and millions of species went extinct. But there was still room for cheer. "Hey, it could have been me!" said Howard Lunk of Orange County. "I tossed an old computer into the ocean 3 hours earlier. At least I'm not that Joey guy!"
And so, Joey McGreely will go down in history and the lame-ass kid responsible for wrecking the planet. Now he has no friends. His parents have disowned him, and he has racked up thousands of dollars in therapy bills. However, he did get a very nice thank you card from ExxonMobil for taking all the blame. 


Anti News ©2015 Chris Hume



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