For the last eight years, America has enjoyed a slow but steady recovery from the financial implosion of 2008. But the prospect of prolonged peace and prosperity has filled many Americans with boredom and rage. Many now long for the good old days, when terror lurked around every corner, and society teetered on the brink of collapse. And they are hollering for 'Change'.
"I've had it with this peace and prosperity crap! It's time to throw the bastards out before it's too late!" screamed angry patriot Higgins McFlab.
"This consumer confidence is making me very uncomfortable," explained bored American Cleg Thuggins. "We need a strong, dimwitted leader who can bring back fear and poverty so we can rally around him!"
The dreaded specter of a healthy middle class has the country shivering in horror. The most popular butt tattoos are "Change It Back!" and "9/11 Forever!" Many folks are even burning down their own houses and quitting their jobs because 'all this frikkin stability' makes the current leadership look too good.
"For 8 years, I've chafed under the jackboot of expanded healthcare, marriage equality and legalized marijuana," complained employed father Buford Buckhorn. "Now I've got a job, a house, and a bright future. What the fuck!" Buford pushed his car off a cliff to protest the expanding economy. But he did save his Make America Great Again bumper sticker.
Some are predicting widespread civil unrest if the economy continues to improve. But authorities are quick to point out that there are still a few roses among the thorns: Guantanamo Bay is still open for business, the Patriot Act is still in full swing, and it's still open season on unarmed black men in America's cities.
"We need to seize on these traditional values," explained Anti-Historian Reginald Dimwell. "If we give in to peace, the terrorists have won."
For the most nostalgic patriot, the hottest item this year are '9/11 glasses'. The lenses are painted over on the inside with fully opaque vivid 3D images of the collapsing towers. So where the user is, it's always 9/11. "I love my 9/11 glasses," said an excited Buford Buckhorn, as he walked face first into a brick wall.