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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:

THE SUPER BOWL
PISS-JUG:

Don't Miss One Second of the Big Game!

 

 
 


Introducing the Super Bowl Piss-Jug ®. You can't afford to miss one second of the big game. And nowadays you can't even get up to take a leak, or you'll miss those awesome Super Bowl ads. Now there's a solution: The Super Bowl Piss-Jug®. The one-gallon plastic jug comes with your favorite team's emblem on it. Simply keep it next to you at all times during the Super Bowl. And when nature calls, you won't have to leave the couch! *
 
But sometimes you have to take more than a wizz. Nothing saves the day like Super Bowl Bed Pan®. Engraved with your favorite team's logo, Super Bowl Bed Pan® fits neatly under your posterior. Don't let that spicy meat lovers' pizza spoil your Super Bowl experience. Toilet paper not included.
 
And for the real die-hard fan, there's the Super Bowl Beer-IV Drip®. Simply find a good vein and insert the needle into it before game time. Now you can guzzle a twelve-pack of Bud Lite without even using your arms. Or mouth.
 
Is somebody talking too much during the Super Bowl? Then get the Super Bowl Taser ®. This rugged handheld device delivers a powerful but non-lethal electric shock to anyone in the room who is chattering during the game, or cheering for the wrong team. Comes in a leather carrying case with your favorite team's logo.
 
By halftime, your stomach's growling for another snack. Introducing the Super Bowl Cheek Pouch ®. This exciting new surgery expands one's cheeks to create nearly four times as much storage space. Now you don't even have to look away from the screen while you reach for those hot wings. "I love my Super Bowl Cheek Pouches," said mega-fan Chuck Hogg. "I'm storing a burrito in my right cheek pouch, a bratwurst in my left cheek pouch, and a pint of sea-salt caramel pretzel ice cream in my chin pouch. When I'm hungry, I just roll my tongue around in my cheeks for some more food."
 
And now, for a small fee, you can have Super Bowl Cheek Pouch® reduction surgery after the game. Your mouth will return to normal. Or you can just keep your cheek pouches until the next Super Bowl!
"I'll never miss another touchdown!" said satisfied customer Hank Cleghorn through a mouthful of baby back ribs.
 
* Super Bowl Piss-Jug also comes in three-gallon and "Monster" five-gallon buckets for the super serious beer lovers in the room.
 
 
 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume