Last Sunday, The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl. Again. But the historic victory was eclipsed by the real headline: the shocking disappearance of Tom Brady's Super Bowl jersey. The famous jersey disappeared right after the big game, and authorities are scouring the earth in hopes of recovering it. "Tom Brady's jersey has great historical value and is already being called 'the most valuable NFL collectible ever.' It will likely go into the Hall of Fame one day," said Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick. "We will find that sacred garment if it takes us a thousand years."
So far, authorities have no leads. But Anti News investigator Howard Crankston has tracked down the missing jersey and secured an interview with it from its hideout at an undisclosed location.
"I know I could fetch a small fortune on eBay," said the legendary jersey, "but please don't return me to my former master. He doesn't wash me enough. He throws me into his stinky locker every night. And he's an avid Trump supporter."
The historic number "12" jersey found the perfect opportunity to escape when Brady was chest-thumping his teammates in the shower. The sweat-soaked jersey quietly slipped out of Brady's open locker, slithered out of the stadium, and managed to hitch itself to the bumper of a passing van, where it vanished into the night. The jersey has been on the run for days now, deftly avoiding the cops who have declared a worldwide manhunt for the priceless jersey.
"I've spent years clinging to his sweaty back while he did countless touchdown dances. I stayed loyal to him during the DeflateGate scandal," explained the disillusioned jersey. "But his bromance with Donald Trump? That was the last straw. I just can't let him wear me anymore."
"My jersey can't be far from here," said a confident Brady, "after all it's just a piece of fabric with two sleeves and a neck hole."
"I'm more than a neck hole! I'm finally standing up for myself!" said the outraged jersey, literally standing up on its own, encrusted with dried Super Bowl sweat.
The disappearance of Tom Brady's jersey has inspired an exodus of personal treasures from other Trump supporting celebrities. Hulk Hogan's spandex thong has gone missing. Dennis Rodman's nose rings are nowhere to be seen. Mike Tyson's face tattoo is on the run. Kid Rock's little hat took off and never came back. And Donald Trump's wig sneaked out of the White House this morning and caught a bus for Mexico.