Less than three weeks into his administration, Donald Trump announced that he is suing everything. "We are taking legal action to silence everything" said Kelly Ann Clownway, Trump's Truth Minister. "In order to preserve this great nation, we must sue the living shit out of it."
The legal landscape was changed forever when Trump announced that he would sue any individual or entity that was critical of him. "The First Amendment is great. It's terrific," said the new president, "but if you don't use it to worship me, I will fuck you into the ground."
Using the limitless funds of the American taxpayer, Trump has sued the country into total obedience. Journalists, bloggers, writers, newscasters, tweeters, and grandmothers have all been collectively bankrupted by the administration's legal tantrum-hammer. "I win every time," said a cocksure Trump, "because God is my lawyer."
"We now have the greatest president of all time," said smiling reporter Joe Seltzer. "I kneel before him, with tears of awe in my unworthy eyes as he reshapes America into a white marble monolith of greatness." Joe Seltzer was sued and left homeless in the gutter, because his praise wasn't "enthusiastic enough".
Eventually, the White House had sued every last person in America. The entire U.S. population now resides in a colossal debtors' prison next to the Donald Trump Grand Canyon Landfill. With no one left to sue, a wild-eyed Trump turned his legal laser on the earth, the oceans, the sky, and all living creatures contained within. "They don't love me, and they didn't vote for me twice. So I'm suing them all!"
Trump won. Earth was left homeless in the gutter. He then sued God, and won. God, now broke, applied for food stamps. But food stamps had been abolished, so God now mops the White House bathroom floor for free. "I am thankful every day that President Trump has given me such a privileged position," said a humbled God.
Drunk with lawsuit mania, Trump stumbled and fell down the stairs in his mega-yacht. He broke both of his heels, his left tibia, his right femur, his pelvis, and lanced his oversize gut on a golf club. Outraged at his obese, underperforming body, Trump had no choice but to sue himself. He won. Victorious in his own defeat, Trump then imploded into a paradoxical singularity and vanished.