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ANTI NEWS OSCAR EDITION:

OSCARIZE!
THE SPRAY-ON THAT TURNS LAME CRAP INTO A MASTERPIECE

 

 
 


Once a year, an extremely select group of filmmakers become immortalized into the shrine of excellence. Once touched by the magic spell of Oscar, they become instantly and unquestionably superior to all others. They become an overnight household word. In essence, they achieve Godhood... even if they're completely and totally shitty.

Now you can enjoy your very own Oscar experience, and it's only one spray away. Introducing Oscarize®, the spray-on that that turns even the lamest crap into a timeless award-winning masterpiece.

"I overcooked my pasta, and now it's all mushy and soggy and tastes like Kleenex," said 23 year-old Janice Wall. "So I sprayed Oscarize® into the boiling water, and now it's a 'Gem That Will Please Audiences of All Ages. A Powerful and Provocative Statement. One of the Best Soggy Overcooked Pastas of the Year'."

"I left my unwashed jockstrap hanging from the ceiling fan," said bachelor Kevin Shnook. "It stunk up the living room. So I 'Oscarized' it, and now it's a 'Modern Legend. A Cornerstone for the Ages. Hands-down the Best Unwashed Jockstrap of the Year'."

Kelly McGinty is a terrible driver. She cuts off school buses and ambulances and runs stop signs with regularity. So she Oscarized her car (and sprayed some behind her ears). Now she's transformed herself into a "Tour De Force. Ten Stars. Possibly the Best Shitty Driver of the Decade".

Oscarize guarantees a 60% chance of absolute greatness. But even if you don't achieve total Oscarization, there's still the prestige of just being nominated. Some of the runner-ups include "Crying Baby in the Row Behind Me", "Computer Spinning Wheel of Death", and "Bad Smell From Under the Sofa".

But how does Oscarize® actually work? "It's a pheromone that turns the brain's pleasure center upside down," explained overpaid chemist Philo Farnsworth. "Once a person inhales Oscarize®, garbage smells like roses, cowardice looks like bravery, sickness feels like health, and of course, crappy movies look like masterpieces."

Oscarize is such a success, it has transformed the world. Donald Trump sprays himself every day, and now he's a "Paragon of Masculinity. A True Hero Who Loves His Country. The Best President of all Time."

"Mediocrity is the new black," explained crapologist Harold Wonk. "If it looks like crap, sounds like crap, or smells like crap, don't despair... just Oscarize it!"
 
 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume