Hobby Lobby, move over. Make way for The Lobby Lobby, the hyper-exclusive Washington D.C. eatery, where lobbyists and lawmakers gather to stuff their food holes while hatching fiendish plots to fuck America into the ground.
Founded in 1860, The Lobby Lobby prides itself on being the crucible of such legendary back room deals as the Iraq War, the dismantling of Social Security, drilling rights in the Grand Canyon, and the Mexico border wall. Over-nourished lobbyists and multi-chinned Congressmen dine among mounted hippo-heads, lion rugs and scrimshaw cutlery.
"Our entrees are made from only the finest and rarest ingredients," explained Lobby Lobby chef Clarence Boswell, "the Lobby Lobby caters to the discreet palate of the professional globe-fucker. Each meal is individually killed and grilled to order."
The menu offers an array of wildly overpriced delicacies that will tantalize the taste buds while sealing that wicked deal.
If you really want to impress that Senator, order him the "Carbon Footprint", a seven-pound slab of whale steak, flown in fresh from the Arctic on its own C-17 jumbo transport plane. It is garnished with baby elephant eyelids infused with salted caramel raspberry mango compote.
The Billy Club sandwich is also a favorite among the law-and-order crowd. Thinly sliced bald eagle meat (white only) stacked a foot high and soaked in whiskey, with a side of spider monkey nuggets. Comes with a free billy club and taser gun.
And of course there's the Uninsured Heart Attack Breakfast. Thirty pancakes drizzled in koala gravy with a "hearty" side of zebra bacon. "Three more of these back-room breakfasts and we'll put health care in the graveyard!" belched lobbyist Buck Hogwinch.
And so the Lobby Lobby continues to serve world-class cuisine at the expense of everything else. "It just wouldn't be America without the Lobby Lobby", mumbled Senator Braxton Cheek, through a mouthful of hummingbird omelette.
