The United States showed off its masculine swagger today by launching 59 oversized erections into Syria yesterday. The massive display of surrogate male prowess shocked the world, and caused the stock market to burst out of its pants.
Each high-tech million-dollar boner exploded all over a Syrian airfield. The resulting hot mess made world news and boosted approval ratings. But the aftermath of the cock-slap remains uncertain. "Once you've unzipped it and whipped it out, you can never really put it back," explained penile strategist Slim Thickman.
The United States exposed its junk in response to a Syrian gas attack earlier this week. And now that it has its wiener lodged ever deeper into the Middle Eastern hornet's nest, it can't pull out. "It's like one of those finger-traps you get at the joke store," said seventh- grader Jared Homes. "Except it's a dick trap."
One of the positive outcomes of the trump-jaculation: all other headlines vanished. The unlawful installation of a Supreme Court justice was instantly forgotten. "America has a giant cock. That's all that matters," said some angry unemployed white guy with a handlebar moustache.
As for Syria, the civil war continues despite the American display of over-inflated manhood. A befuddled White House scrambled to find a way to plunge in further, or to get out.
"America's mid-life crisis is the perfect weapon," said a White House deep thinker. Plans are underway to drop thousands of gallons of spray tan onto enemy territory. "And if that doesn't work, we'll bomb them into the Stone Age with creepy, bad hair-pieces."