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BREAKING ANTI NEWS:

TRUMP PROMISES TO BRING BACK EXTINCT JOBS

 

 
 


Over a century ago, the blacksmith profession became virtually obsolete when the horse and carriage gave way to the automobile. Countless blacksmiths lost their jobs due to the lack of demand for horseshoes. As the decades passed, they became angry unemployed voters. Out-of-date and pissed off, they needed a hero. And in 2017, they finally got one.
 
"America needs more blacksmiths!" shouted Donald Trump to a room full of jobless blacksmiths, "and if you vote for me, I will make America the blacksmith capital of the world!"
 
Trump won the 2016 election (with the decisive blacksmith vote) and immediately signed an executive order to produce ten trillion horseshoes by 2018 (made in China). "We can build a wall out of them, or maybe a giant horseshoe statue of me," said the cocksure president.
 
Buoyed by his approval ratings (among blacksmiths) Trump began to court other obsolete workers with his grand vision to restore an Extinct America.
 
"We will bring back pinsetters!" exclaimed Trump, referring to the long forgotten profession of manually setting bowling pins, before the invention of the mechanical pinsetter in 1936. "Under-paid children dodging bowling balls will make bowling alleys great again," said the president. "It will create jobs, and it will make me look fantastic."
 
Trump's popularity skyrocketed among lamplighters as well. The profession of lamplighting died out in the late 19th century with the advent of electric streetlights. "Our president will bring back the gaslight economy," said unemployed lamplighter Bartholomew McTweed. "After all, lighting gas lamps in the street with whale oil is what America's all about."
 
"What about the future?" said environmental activist Alice Redding. "Renewable energy will save the planet and create millions of jobs."
 
"I will protect you from the future," said Trump to a gathering of milkmen, coal miners, chimneysweeps, town criers and switchboard operators. He then signed another executive order shutting down the Internet and bringing back rotary phones and Blockbuster Video.
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Anti News ©2017 Chris Hume